Grapefruits, the Adventure 3: Here We Go Yet AGAIN!
by AlKaholiK
Summary: This is it, and this is yet another "Grapefruits" for the history archives! The winners are announced and the highlights of both RAW and SmackDown are shared! Please read and review-I ALWAYS like to know how YOU, my readers, think I did!
1. The Intro of the Stars N' Cars

Disclaimer: I don't own jack, dude.

Welcome, welcome, aaaaand welcome friends! Here we are again—another year, another "Grapefruits"! I'm refreshed and ready to reconstitute this, my signature series! Now, once again, those of you who have read this series will know what to expect, those new to this thing here—well, read on!

* * *

><p>In his office in Wichita, Vince was rapidly pacing back and forth, sweating. He says to himself, "Damnit! I'm horny again! Everywhere I turn, I see nothing but-but ASS! NICE ass, too! I gotta' do it, I just have to do it again!"<p>

Vince dials a number on his cellphone and says, "Hey, yeah it's Vince—I need you to round up a few of my knucklehead employees—

-yep, that's it—

-how soon?

-Excellent! Tell them all to come to my office, NOW!

Vince hangs up and rubs his hands together as his mouth contorts into an adulterous grin.

* * *

><p>So, about an hour goes by and the wrestlers Vince called are all assembled around his desk. Vince says, "Ok, you all, some of you know the deal with this, others, may not—what I need you all to do is pair off and go to Dallas, Texas to get me a fifth of Ouzo and the latest edition of 'Pervy Preggos'!"<p>

A hand goes up and Vince asks, "What IS it?"

"Um, do you need this from a certain store?"

Vince looks around incredulously and replies, "Sheamus, you idiot, of COURSE I do! In fact, the name of the store is "Frank's Porn Shack, Funeral parlor, and Liquor Store". Now get going, I'm horny and IIIIIII'M VINCE MCMAHON, DAMMIT!"

So 7 of the 8 superstars scurry out of Vince's office and talk amongst themselves in the hallway. JR says, "Ok, Vince is in one of his…moods, so let's just pair up and get this thing over with. "

Sheamus smiles and asks, "Hey Natalya, wanna' tag along, lassie?"

Natalya shrugs and says, "Ok, why not?"

Alberto Del Rio speaks up, "Hey Santino, wanna' come along?"

Santino nods and says, "E-yesssss, Santino will join up with the Rio Alberto!"

Cm Punk glances over to Kofi and says, "Hey, I'm ready to roll when you are, my man!"

JR says, "Ok, that's 6 accounted for—"

Just then, Michael Cole comes stumbling out of Vince's office.

JR rolls his eyes and says, "No…don't TELL me I have to ride with YOU, Cole!"

Cole responds, "Well, I was trying to talk Vince out of sending me, so I'm not exactly thrilled about it, either, jack!"

JR snarls, "C'mon, I'll drive."

* * *

><p>The superstars head over to the parking garage, we'll join Natalya and Sheamus…<p>

Sheamus walks over to his car and Natalya starts giggling.

Sheamus asks, "Hey now, Lass—what's s'funny 'bout my car?"

Natalya laughs and says, "Oh, I'm sorry for laughing Sheamus, but your car's a giant tanning bed, dude!"

Sheamus clicks his keyfob and the tanning bed opens—he smiles and says, "Climb in!"

Natalya shakes her head and climbs in and Sheamus follows.

* * *

><p>So, meanwhile in another part of the lot, we find Alberto and Santino…<p>

Santino looks at Alberto's car and says, "Uh…Santino didn't expect this—your car is a giant sombrero!"

Alberto winks and lifts the "brim" up for him and Santino to enter. For all intents and purposes, his car looks like a wicker UFO with wheels on it—don't bother asking me how he sees anything while driving it—he just CAN, ok?

* * *

><p>Let's go see how Kofi and Punk are faring…<p>

Punk says, "Hey Kofi, you sure you remember where you parked?"

"Oh of course, mon—AH, here it is!"

Punk does a double-take at Kofi's "car". He says, "Dude, do realize your car looks like a giant…MENORAH?"

Kofi says, Hey, eeeeeasy—me had to borrow 'dis here from Goldberg. MY car's in de' SHOP, mon! Come on—hop in!"

Punk shrugs and climbs inside one of the "candleholders" as he and Kofi zoom off.

* * *

><p>Lastly, we join JR and Michael Cole…<p>

Cole argues, "Look, why can't we just take MY car?"

JR asks, "Wha? YOUR car? That piece of shit won't even get us out of the parking lot!"

Cole frowns and says, "Hey! My car is tried and TRUE! Don't knock the RIDE, buddy!"

JR waves him off and says, "Meh, you're just too cheap to get another car—you're the only idiot on the roster that has a 1999 Ford Focus!"

Cole points at JR, "Look, it still has all the original PARTS, too!"

JR glances upward, rolling his eyes, "I rest my case, c'mon, hop on."

Cole comments, "You know, YOU'RE the only idiot with a mechanical bull for a car."

Cole hops on board as does JR and they roll/gallop on out of the garage.

* * *

><p>That's it for chapter one, folks! Who'll win? Who will they encounter?, Will Michael Cole ever get a new car? We'll answer these questions next time when you tune in—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!<p> 


	2. A Time to Dine, a Time to Dash

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything, dude.

* * *

><p>Ok, we're back, baby! Last we left off, the superstars found their cars and hit the open road. Right now, we'll look in on Santino and Alberto, as they've just hit Interstate 35…<p>

Santino asks, "Alberto, why is it that you think that the Mr. McMahon want these ah…beer and porn runs every year?"

Alberto shakes his head and smirks, "Santino, my friend—have you seen MRS. McMahon? She –she wear adult diaper and-and she always smells like wolf pussy!"

Santino looks confused, "Hmm…you know, Santino never notice. So, Linda smell….eh…she smell eh-like the pussy-wolf, e-yesssss?"

Alberto nods, "Yes, my friend. In fact, I remember one time, in Kentucky, we were in the pre-show meeting with creative, right?

Santino nods and Alberto continues, "Well, I was eh-sitting on a chair and the chair next to me was cushioned, right? Well, Linda decided to 'surprise' everyone by sitting in on the meeting. Well, at first, I was THRILLED because she sat next to me. Well, Santino—when she sat DOWN on that cushion, she was smiling and shaking my hand and I was smiling back, but when she actually SAT on the cushion, my smile disappeared."

Santino smirks a little as Del Rio continues, "Yeah, that tole'me something about cushioned seats, they don't catch odors as well as some people think. Because the air from the cushion smelled like a mixture of…I dunno—ass and peach cobbler—which tole'me something else—she MUST use peach-scented douche!"

Santino frowns and says, "Eww…no wonder the Vince McMahon does this every year, UGH!"

Del Rio nods and says, "Now 'ju see? THIS is why I figure Mr. McMahon does this every year. But…I'm just a humble employee trying to get ahead, so I just do as I tole', senor."

* * *

><p>So, as Alberto and Santino ride along, we'll join up with Sheamus and Natalya, who have decided to stop for breakfast at an IHOP restaurant…<p>

Natalya says to herself, as she thumbs through the menu, "Hmm…what to order, what to order…"

Sheamus says, "Well, when I come here, I always order the stuffed French toast-it's to die for!"

Natalya squints and asks, "Yeah?"

"Indeed, lassie! I especially LOVE the fresh maple syrup—and I ALWAYS have it warm!"

"Hmm, maybe I can try that."

Just then, the waitress comes over, smiles, and asks, "Ooooookaaaay…have you decided what you're getting?"

Natalya speaks up, "Uh, yes…I'll have the stuffed French toast with warm maple syrup, please."

"Ok and you, sir?"

"Yes lass, I'll have the same."

"Ok, it'll be ready in a couple minutes. Please let me know if you'd like anything else."

Natalya and Sheamus nod and the waitress heads off toward the kitchen.

Ten minutes pass…

Sheamus checks his watch and asks Natalya, "Hey, have you seen our waitress lately?"

Natalya shrugs and Sheamus says, "It's been a full 10 minutes!"

Natalya nods and says, "Yeah, I'm hungry, where IS this chick?"

Finally, the waitress shows up with the food…

Sheamus mentions, "Wow, for a minute there, girl, we thought you had to make the stuff yourself, darlin'."

The waitress smiles and says, "Oh, it was just the chef—he couldn't find where the delivery guy put the bread, that's all. And I apologize for not coming to tell you about it, but I was back there, myself, trying to help him find it."

Natalya says, "Mm…that's ok, hon. Don't worry too much about it, hehe."

The waitress smiles and asks, "So, can I get you folks anything else?"

Sheamus, with a mouth full of French toast, shakes his head as he wipes his mouth, smiling.

The waitress walks off and Natalya waits till she gets out of range before leaning over and asking, "Hey Shame—since we're all in our wrestling gear—you know how AlKaholiK rolls—how are we gonna' pay for this?"

Sheamus swallows his food and says, "I always keep me wallet in me boot, lass. See? But, we ain't payin' t'day!"

Natalya almost chokes on her sausage link and asks, "What do you mean 'we're not paying'?"

Sheamus smiles brightly and whispers, "Dine and dash, sweetie!"

Natalya suddenly starts laughing. Sheamus looks at her with a confused expression on his face. She says, "HA! My dad , Bret Hart, and Jimmy Hart used to do that all the time back in the day! My dad said that their favorite place to do it was Howard Johnson's!, HAHAHAHAA!"

Sheamus smiles and says, "Ah, so you feel where I'm comin' from, then, huh? Ok then, since you know how to do this, do you want ME to go first, or do YOU want to go?"

She says, Well, I'll go first, you let the waitress bring you the check. Wait'll she leaves and run LIGHTLY but faster than you EVER have before—oh, and give me the keys so that I can start the car and have it pointed away from the restaurant when you come running out!"

So they finish their food and, just as planned, Natalya gets up to leave, she heads toward the bathroom but makes a sudden bee-line for the exit. The waitress brings Sheamus the check, she heads off toward another table. Natalya starts up the car and repositions it and now it's facing away from the restaurant. Sheamus waits until the car's in the proper position then bolts toward the door. As he's running, he pretty much runs over this little kid who's just coming into the place. Sheamus angrily and hurriedly says, "Watch out, kid!"

He leaps in his car and Natalya screeches the wheels and they disappear in a cloud of dirt, the last remnant of their presence. The waitress was yelling for them to stop. Someone tried to get the plate number, but Natalya removed it prior to turning the car around-now THAT'S a thinker!

* * *

><p>Lol, let's meet up with JR and Cole, who are stuck in line at a Wendy's…<p>

JR sighs and says, "Cole, we've been stuck here in this line for 9 minutes! Do you just HAVE to go to Wendy's?"

Cole rolls his eyes, "For the umpteenth time—I NEED my daily coffee! Now pull ahead, the line's moving."

JR waves him off, "Oh GIVE me a break, for Christ's sake!"

Just then, they pull up to the speaker. The voice comes on and asks, "Thank you for choosing Wendy's, how may I help you?"

Cole leans over JR and yells out, "UH YES, I'D LIKE A SMALL COFFEE, PLEASE—WITH CREAM AND SUGAR. THANK YOU!"

The voice replies, "That'll be everything today?"

"UH, YES IT WILL!"

"Ok, 99 cents is your total, please pull around to the window."

So Cole gets out his wallet and takes out a 50-dollar bill. JR's looking the other way, wondering how he let Michael Cole talk him into coming to Wendy's during a morning rush like this. A couple minutes pass and they're up at the window.

The cashier leans out and says, "Yes, that's 99 cents."

Cole smiles and hands the cashier the 50-dollar bill. The cashier takes it, looks at it, looks at Cole, and rolls her eyes before sighing and saying, "Ugh…hold on a minute, sir—I'll be right back…"

JR notices what Cole did and asks, "What the hell didya' do THAT for? NOW we're gonna' be even later!"

Cole says, "Ahhh, just calm down, JR—I'll work this out, you'll see."

The cashier returns shortly thereafter and hands Cole his money back. Cole looks at her and asks, "Wait, you're turning down my money?"

The girl at the window explains, "Look, our general manager says that we can't accept anything larger than a 20 before 11am."

Cole glances at JR, who just shrugs his shoulders, and then he looks back at the girl and answers back, "Well, I'd like to SPEAK to this…general manager, please! Last I checked, a 50 was still legal tender in this country!"

The girl reluctantly tells them to pull around to the front. At this point, JR is FUMING as he parks his car. Cole isn't happy, either, as he storms inside the crowded restaurant. The girl greets him and asks him to take a seat at a table. She says, "Ok sir, I'll go get the general manager."

Cole replies, "Ok, fine, just hurry, okay—I don't have all day!"

In a couple moments, the girl comes back out with the general manager. Cole stands up, wide-eyed, as he can't believe this general manager.

Cole points and says, "Tha-that CAN'T be the GM of this place!"

The girl shrugs and says, "Yep, this is…he. Now, you had something to say?"

The girl places the GM down on the table. The GM is a LAPTOP COMPUTER! It even has a computer-sized Wendy's outfit on, along with a visor super-glued to the top lid. The Cashier turns the computer toward herself and Michael Cole, now over his initial shock, goes on, "Ok, why can't I pay with a 50? It's legal tender!"

Suddenly, the crowded restaurants lights flicker as an email tone takes over the speakers. The cashier says aloud, "Everyone, may I have your attention, PLEASE?"

Michael Cole looks around, totally befuddled as the cashier clears her throat, "Ahem… and I quote—'Michael Cole, you cannot pay with anything larger than a 20 at any time before 11am. If you look at your watch and at the clock above the register, it clearly says that it's now 10:58am. In addition, there's a sign in big, bold lettering that says the same." The people in line all simultaneously point to the sign on the wall as the GM finishes, "Good day sir, thank you for stopping at Wendy's."

Cole, frustrated, storms out of the restaurant and angrily throws himself onto JR's car. JR asks, "Well what the hell's YOUR problem?"

Cole looks the opposite way and just shakes his head. JR just looks at him, shaking his head, as he starts his "car" and they head off.

* * *

><p>Ok lastly, but not least, let's check in on Kofi and CM Punk, as they've just got finished eating breakfast…<p>

Punk mentions, "That sure was a slammin' breakfast, guy."

Kofi nods, "Hahaha…yes mon, t'was, indeed!"

Punk thinks for a moment and asks, "You know, curiosity's killin' my cat, here…"

Kofi asks, "Well, what's up, mon?"

"Well, what happened to YOUR car? And how do YOU know Goldberg like that to where he actually LENT you his CAR, dude? What's UP?"

Kofi smiles and says, "Well, it's a long story, mon—I'll tell you later, when we hit a rest stop, or something."

Punk rolls his eyes and relents, "Alright, then, alllright. But I HAVE to know THAT story! Besides, I've always liked your car—it 's a big bottle of Hot Sauce!"

"Yeah, me gettin' 26-inch rims too, mon. Me gon' be flyin' hiiiiigh! Hey, why don't YOU get de' rims, eh?"

Punk shakes his head, "Nah, that's just not me, you know? I mean, I COULD get rims for my car, but, personally, I wouldn't feel right. I mean, I drive a Hyundai Genesis, dude. I mean, my car's so regular and 'straight-edge' that, last week, when I parked next to Big Show's hand-car, I laughed to myself a little just for how awkward it looked parked next to it."

Kofi nods and says, "Yea, yea…I see what you mean, mon. A couple weeks ago, I parked MY car next to William Regal's-you know, that English Muffin car?"

Punk laughs and says, "Hey, that reminds me—last month in Rochester, at that one house show we did—Regal beat Alex Riley, but wouldn't let go of the Regal stretch after the match. Well, A-Ry got REVENGE! There was a dairy manufacturer across the street, right? Well, old A-Ry went over and STOLE a bucket of butter, snuck it over to the parking garage area, and DUMPED it all over Regal's car, dude!"

Kofi's bent over laughing as Punk goes on, "Yeah, me and the boys were laughing our ASSES OFF. Then he put a note on his car that read, 'When the bell rings, it means the match is over, jackass! Have a nice day washing your car!' Oh, I gotta' tell you Kofi, that was HILARIOUS!"

Kofi nods, still laughing. He says, "Yea mon, when A-Ry gets mad, he tends to get funnier, I don't know WHAT it is! Like when Legacy was stealing his lunch week in and week out. He got tired of it and brought a 'fake' lunch to de' arena—he told me that he 'seasoned' it with a powdered herbal laxative. He say 'dat he'll know who's 'de thief when he finds who comes up missing for the next day creative meeting! Oh, hohohohooo mon! He found out id'was Legacy, he smirked and said, to 'dem, 'Boys I just thought I could treat you all to lunch—you know, for all that you've done for ME over 'de past few weeks!'"

So, the guys share a hearty laugh and head off toward the next town. And, with that, I'll end this chapter here.

* * *

><p>How does Cole like the "treatment", huh? Will Natalya remember to put the license plate back on? Will Regal let go of the hold next time the bell signals the end of the match?<p>

These and other questions will be answered when you tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	3. A Drunken Mess and a Lack of Mattitude

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own anything or anyone.

* * *

><p>Welcome back, fans! Last we left off, Sheamus and Natalya did a dine and dash at the local IHOP restaurant. But, for now, let's join up with Michael Cole and good ol' JR!<p>

Cole notices, "Hey, looks like we passed one of your ol' buddy's…buildings, or whatever."

JR corrects him, "It's CALLED an 'Austin Clinic', and they're shelters for battered and abused women."

Cole shrugs and points, "Hey, check THAT out, JR!"

They look across the road and see a casket with handlebars and two wheels parked outside of a Dunkin Donuts. JR says, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Look, it's the Undertaker!"

As they drive by, they slow down and see Taker stumbling out of Dunkin Donuts with a noticeably larger stomach, confectioner's sugar all over his black tights, and stuffing an ENTIRE glazed donut into his mouth at one time!

JR and Cole look at each other, then back at Taker, who's now waddling over to his bike. They both exclaim, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!"

Cole says, "You know, I NEVER KNEW Taker had a thing for donuts!"

JR replies, "Hm…neither did I." Suddenly, JR wakes up a bit, "Oh, and don't try to put me off the scent, either! I'm still pissed off with you for that bullshit you pulled back there at that Wendy's!"

Cole shakes his head and says, "Oh, c'mon JR! Come off of it. We're still making good time, we just had a funny moment, and I got my coffee back there at that truck stop."

JR says, "Now I'd better NOT discover we're last, or I'm gonna' barbecue your ass in molasses! That's a promise, buddy!"

Michael Cole just sighs as he and Ross gallop/ride along.

* * *

><p>Now we'll join up with Sheamus and Natalya, as they're nearing Oklahoma City…<p>

"…yeah, yeah, don't worry, Shame, I put the license plate back on. I TOLD you, I'm experienced with that there!"

Sheamus smiles and replies, "That WAS some slick shite ye pulled there, lassie!"

"Yeah, but on to better things—did you hear what Stephanie did last week in the locker room?"

"No, wha' happened?"

Natalya adjusts herself in the seat to turn toward Sheamus and she starts, "Ok, last week when we were having drinks backstage—it was all of us girls and a few of the guys, including Triple H. Ok well, we have a nice li'l layout—some fruit platters and cheese and meat trays, along with some bubbly. So, here comes Stephanie—inviting HERSELF to the occasion!"

Sheamus says, "Well, Steph's ok, I don't see—"

Natalya shakes her head, "Hold on, lemme' finish—She stumbles into the party area, DRUNK OUT OF HER MIND, holding a brown paper bag that OBVIOUSLY has a bottle of liquor inside of it. She starts slurring and talking in her 'outside voice', if you know what I mean? Triple H is EMBARRASED at this point and the rest of us are just trying to hold back the laughter. H SNATCHED the bottle away from her and she went RABID on the food bar as a result. She was yelling, 'GIVE ME BOOZE, OR GIVE MEEEEEE DEATH!' Triple H wasn't there to see THAT part of it because he left the area to discard the bottle he took from her…"

Sheamus is smirking, "Ok, go on, lass."

"Ok, well…what happened next shocked the HELL out of ALL of us! Steph HAD to have been drinking for a good while because she was talking to Randy Orton when she kept repeating herself. She kept whining, 'ooooh…I need to feel better, I need to feel better, I need to feel better…' We were all quiet and wondering what she was gonna' do or say next when she did the unthinkable—she squatted right down beside the buffet table, pulled off her dress—she wasn't wearing ANY underwear that night—and proceeded to take one of the biggest dumps I've ever personally seen! I mean, it looked like a melted chocolate volcano, or-or a giant anthill! And she did it right there on the floor, no less!"

Sheamus bursts out laughing and he asks, "Ahahahahaaa…what'd H do when he got back?"

Natalya says, "Oh—H comes in the room about to ask what smells like shit when everyone in the room, including ME, just pointed to Stephanie—who was ass-naked from the waist down, he dress was tangled around her ankles and she was crying, struggling to pick herself up. Triple H just looked around at everyone and apologized for his wife. He went over and tried helping her up, but he wasn't quite watching where he was going, and as he helped her up, HE slipped in HER shit-pile. At that instant, EVERYONE averted their eyes and tried their HARDEST not to even snicker aloud. I looked over at Randy and I saw _tears_ coming from _his_ face—I could tell he wanted to laugh, but you know how it is—you don't laugh at a McMahon. Shame, I've NEVER seen H so livid. His face was as red as a red velvet cake!"

Sheamus is laughing so hard he almost loses control of the car as they continue to drive off toward Oklahoma City.

* * *

><p>We'll let those two calm down and we'll join up with Kofi and CM who have just entered Oklahoma City…<p>

CM looks around as he and CM go down one of the main streets. He says, "Eh Kofi, So _this_ is where the Jim Rosses of the world come from, huh?"

Kofi shrugs, "I guess so, mon. "

Cm starts to say something else, but his attention is drawn toward the gas gauge. He mentions to Kofi, "Uh…Kofi?"

"Yes, mon?"

"You might wanna' make it rain on that gas tank, man!"

Kofi looks down and says, "Oh sheet, we gotta' find a gas station!"

A few minutes pass and they come across a Sunoco station. Kofi immediately pulls in. Kofi says, "Ok, I'll pump 'de gas, mon. In the meanwhile, me need you t'go over and get me some chips and a soda, mon. Get something for yourself too, mon."

CM nods and runs off toward the store as Kofi slides his card through to start the pump. CM approaches the store, hold the door open for a lady that's coming out as he's going in, and he finds the snack food aisle. He gets a bag of chips for Kofi and a bag of Funyuns for himself, along with two diet Pepsi colas. He approaches the counter and has to wait behind an argument between the cashier and a customer…

The customer says, "Look pal, my total was 10.50—just like that! I gave you a 20—"

The cashier, interrupting, argues back,"- and I GAVE you your change—7.50!"

The customer is becoming visibly angrier and says, "Look you little shit! I'm to get 9.50 back! What's wrong with you? Can't you count?"

The cashier yells back, "Sir, of COURSE I can count!"

Meanwhile, there's a line forming in the store. The cashier notices this, as does Punk. Punk laughs a little at the seemingly silly argument taking place in front of him.

So the cashier and the customer yell at each other a couple MORE times before the cashier FINALLY realizes that he was wrong. He tries to apologize, but the customer makes a jump toward him, and he flinches—and about half of the angry customers waiting in line were laughing at the cashier jumping.

Finally CM makes his way up to the register and looks the cashier right in the eye. The cashier sees who he is and rolls his eyes, saying, "Great. As if my day wasn't bad ENOUGH already."

CM says," What's up Matt? I guess I don't need to ask how things are with you, do I?"

Matt, ignoring the question, asks, "Will that be all, today, sir?"

"Yes it will…young man."

Matt looks up at Punk with an evil glare as he counts his change. Punk, wanting to poke Matt further, smiles and says, "Yes, I get 8 bucks in change."

Matt, visibly frustrated replies, " I KNEW that!"

Punk takes his bag and asks, "You know, all you needed was a little less attitude and a little mor MATTITUDE—and you, too could've amounted to more in life. Bwaaahahahaaaa!"

Matt lunges toward CM as CM runs out of the store laughing.

Kofi asks, "Hey mon, what be so funny?"

Punk puts on his seatbelt and replies, "Hahaha…Matt Hardy's the cashier in there. He almost got his ass kicked by this one angry customer!"

Kofi mentions, "You know, mon—I DO remember a really BIG guy storming out of there and slamming his door when he got into his car. Mon, I saw him and I just wanted to stay out of de' way!"

* * *

><p>So they pull off and head on down the road…Finally, we'll spend some time with Alberto and Santino, as Alberto appears to be trying to explain something to Santino...<p>

"…and THAT is why I never wanted to date Beth Phoenix!"

Santino scratches his head and says, "So, what you're say—"

Alberto impatiently interrupts, "Look, I just don't want a girlfriend that has a bigger dick than I do! That's ALL!" Alberto glances up and angrily mutters, "Aye, dios mio!"

Santino, thinking again, mentions, "Ok, Santino know what kind of woman 'ju like—it is my a-sister, SANTINA!"

Del Rio gives Santino a death glare as he just keeps driving. He says, "Ju' know, we are going to ge'ju some help when we get back, my friend. The planet ju' on hasn't even been _discovered_ yet!"

* * *

><p>So, what'll happen next time? Will having Mattitude FINALLY work for Matt Hardy? Will Undertaker trade his bike in for a bag of donuts? Will Beth's dick size be an issue when she wears a dress—whooooaa, EEEEEEAAASY, big fella!<p>

These and all other questions to be answered when you tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	4. If Your Partner's Shit, You Must Acquit!

Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing.

* * *

><p>Okaaaaaay, we're back! When we last left off, we discovered that Taker LOVED donuts and that, with enough Mattitude, you TOO can become a "gasoline service technician". Now, however, we'll rejoin the gang, but we'll zero in on Kofi and CM Punk, as they make their way through Oklahoma City…<p>

* * *

><p>CM, thumbing through the pages of a tourist's guide he purchased earlier, mentions, "Hey dude, did you know that they offer boat rides through this part of town? Check that out!"<p>

Punk points to the left and Kofi glances over, seeing who appears to be Jack Swagger and Vickie Guerrero with about 6 other people on this raft-looking thing floating down the side street.

Kofi asks, "Hey, you see 'DAT, mon?

CM shakes his head, "Yeah, but, the way I see it, a lummox like Swagger NEEDS a manager to get ANY KIND of 'over' with the fans, dude."

Kofi laughs a little and says, "Yeah, hey mon—one time time me was walkin' by de' creative office before a RAW taping and me overheard Triple H saying 'dat 'dey may as well give Swagger a pencil, paper, and art lessons—because that'd be de' only way He could draw a crowd!'"

Punk shakes his head, reading his guide and laughing a little, as he and Kofi head along…

* * *

><p>Now, hmm…let's see…Let's look in on JR and Cole, as they've decided to stop at a rib shack…<p>

Cole asks, "Umm…the RIB CRIB?"

JR says, "Of COURSE! Whenever I return home here to Boomer-Sooner country, I ALWAYS make a stop here at the Rib Crib!"

They enter the restaurant and the waitstaff and some of the customers yell, "Heeeeey, what's goin on, JR?"

JR smiles and waves as he takes his usual seat at the bar. Cole sits down on a stool beside him.

The barmaid comes up and, with a slight southern drawl, asks, "Your usual JR, honey?"

JR nods, "Uh, yes darlin', please."

She looks over at Michael Cole and asks, "And what would _you_ like, sweetie?"

Cole glances at JR and says, "Uh, well-um, I'll have what HE'S having!"

The waitress looks at JR and then back at Michael and asks, "Hon, are you sure? It HAS a variety of three different whis—"

Before she could finish, Cole's competitive instinct kicked in and he cut her off, "—Look…baby, I'm the customer and I'm ALWAYS right! So how about you get back there and fix me my drink, ok?"

The barmaid curls her upper lip a bit and says, Uh yeah…I'll be right back with that, sir."

As the barmaid goes off to make the drinks, JR leans over to Cole and says, "Why'd you have to act like a snake in the grass to that poor girl? There was NO call for that, NONE!"

Cole replies, "Look, I don't NEED some…fancy-pants WAITRESS telling me what I should and SHOULDN'T have! I'm a grown man!"

JR answers, "But that drink is pretty strong—and besides, you don't even drink!"

Cole takes a deep breath and smirks, "Well, today, I become a MAN! And today, I finally BEAT you at something!"

JR shakes his head, "Michael, we're not here for that. I'm not getting into a drinking contest with you!"

Cole smirks and asks, "Well, what's wrong, JR—you chicken? Are you afraid I'm going to beat you at something? You afraid to pass the torch, big boy?"

JR thinks for a moment and says, "You know what, Cole? Do what you feel."

So the barmaid brings their drinks over and she smiles as she brings JR's drink over, but grimaces a little when she brings Cole's over.

JT tips his hat, smiles, and says, "Thank you, hon."

She nods and gives him a rich smile, saying, "Hey JR, your ribs will be out momentarily."

JR nods and sips his drink, the waitress glances at Cole and just turns back toward the other end of the bar. Cole furrows his brow and asks JR, "Hey, what about MY ribs?"

JR says, "See? I TOLD your ass. You've been nothing but a jackass since you came IN here. So shut up and deal!"

Cole frowns and says, "No wait—FUCK that! I wanna' know when my ribs are coming and I wanna' know now!"

So Cole stands up and YELLS for the barmaid, "HEY, BARTENDER! HEY…HEEEEEEEY!"

Just then, the bouncer approaches Michael and just stands behind him, with his tree trunk-like arms folded. JR sees him out of the corner of his eye, but says nothing. Cole's still yelling for the Barmaid and she finally comes over his way.

Cole, still oblivious as to who's standing behind him, demands, "you told HIM when his ribs are coming out, why didn't you tell me when MINE are coming out, huh?"

The bouncer taps Cole on the shoulder and waves at him. Cole looks at the bouncer, than at the waitress, then at JR.

The bouncer asks the waitress, "Excuse me, barmaid? But is this…gentleman bothering you?"

The waitress, pulses the blender and says, "Uh, yea…he's pretty much been a clown since he got in here."

Cole says, "Hey, where do YOU get off calling ME a 'clown'?"

He looks at the bouncer and the bouncer has a very serious expression on his face. Cole looks at JR and says, "JR help…doooooo something!"

At that time, the waitress brings JR's ribs out. JR turns and says, "Thank you, but could I have a doggie bag?"

The waitress bends over and pulls out a to-go container and dumps the ribs in.

JR takes the last swallow of his drink and says, "Um…I don't know this guy. I was sitting here minding my own damn business."

JR tips his hat and gets up from his seat, "Thank you, ma'am…sir, do…whatever you do with aggressive customers." JR leaves the restaurant as the bouncer grabs Cole by the collar and smiles at him.

As JR hops on his car and rides/gallops off, Cole can still be heard screaming, "JAAAAAAY-ARRRRRRRRRR! HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

* * *

><p>So, of course you know we have to pay a visit with Santino and Alberto, by now…<p>

Santino asks, "Hey, how long do you eh-think until we reach the…place we are to be reaching?'

Alberto shrugs, "I dunno. I haven't seen a mileage sign in ages, senor."

Suddenly, Santino's cellphone rings…

Santino looks at the display and doesn't seem to recognize the number. He glances at Alberto and then opens his phone. He answers, "Eh…Hello, eh-this is a-Santino Marella!

"Whaaat?"

_Some chatter can be heard on the other line…_

"Noooo…eh-you don't saaaaay!"

_More chatter can be heard…_

"No waaaaay, you don't saaaaay!'

_Yep, more chatter…_

"Eh-you don't say—"

Alberto is glancing over wondering what Santino could be talking about and who's on the other end.

…_and even more chatter…_

"Awww…you don't **say**!"

Then there's a "click" as Santino folds his phone and puts it back in his trunks.

Alberto furrows his brow and asks, "Santino…who WAS that, anyway?"

Santino shrugs and replies, "Eh-he didn't say."

Alberto waves him off and continues driving down the road.

* * *

><p>SO, I'll just stop this here without any questions asked. Ok?<p>

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Good-I fuckin' THOUGHT so..

But, tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	5. Alberto?  A fan of ECW?  Really?

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own nuthin'.

* * *

><p>Welcome back ladies and gentlepeoples! Last we left off, Santino had an…interesting phone call and JR and Cole called it quits, so to say. Right now, though, lets join up with JR, who's on the phone…<p>

"…yeah, the dumb sum'bitch had it coming!"

_Some chatter over the other end…_

"That-that's RIGHT! And that's EXACTLY why I dumped his dumb ass off!"

_The chatter becomes a little louder…_

"But-but SIR, why couldn't I just DO this myself?"

_More chatter…_

"Yes, I understand THAT reasoning, but..but…but do I HAVE to have a partner?"

_Even more chatter, only a bit more forceful this time…_

"O-Ok sir, uh…yeah, I understand—I'll see who can find, then—"

_*click*_

JR clicks off his cellphone and plugs it into his charger, angrily muttering, "Why the HELL can't I do this alone? Why does Vince just INSIST on doing things the hard way all the damn time, dadgummit?"

* * *

><p>We'll let JR calm down a little and we'll check in on Alberto and Santino, who have decided to stop at a bar in downtown Oklahoma City…<p>

Santino and Alberto are sat at the bar, where they're enjoying their drinks and having a conversation about something…

Alberto sips his drink, "…and that's why ju' should never leave a woman in jour car unattended. I mean, you have things in jour car that have your ACTUAL name on them, see?"

Santino nods and raises his glass in acknowledgement. Santino looks around and does a double-take at a rather flustered-looking man at the other end of the bar. Drink in hand, he elbows Alberto and nods his head over in the direction the gentleman is sat.

Alberto almost spits out his drink, as he's so surprised.

Santino says, "Hey eh-loooook, it's Paul the Heyman—he use to own the ECW's. I know how much of a fan you were of the ECW's—you should go over and talk to him, we should be good on the time."

Alberto approaches Paul…

Alberto smiles and says, "Hello, Paul. My name is Alberto Del Rio, and I've ALWAYS been a fan of your work in ECW!

Heyman looks around and asks, "The IRS didn't follow you over here did they?"

Alberto shakes his head, "Um…No. Mr. Heyman, I don't mean to intrude, but as a longtime fan, I have a couple questions if ju don't mind answering some of them? I'll keep the drinks coming!

Heyman shrugs and says, "Ok, guy, what'cha got?

"Ok, ju' speak of finances, right? Well, the question I've always wanted to ask you is: How can you be a Jew, yet not know how to manage money?"

Heyman answers matter-of-factly, "I think the answer is fairly obvious. I'm adopted. I'm actually of Irish decent."

Alberto snidely mutters, "Well that explains your massive head. Why didn't you get someone to look over the books when Tod Gordon left?"

Heyman replies, "Because ECW was my baby and I didn't want anyone else controlling it."

Del Rio pleads, "But ju' could have kept total artistic control.'

Heyman says flatly, "I wanted control of _every_ aspect of ECW."

Del Rio thinks for second and figures, "Umm…lemme guess, you were in debt to the Philadelphia mob and needed the money to keep from being killed?"

Heyman sips his drink, "Bingo. I can't go to Philadelphia to this day. How is it?"

Alberto rolls his eyes and replies, "Shitty. We just had a house show there a couple weeks ago"

Heyman asks, "Hey, did that odor ever clear up?"

"Actually it did. As soon as Jasmine St. Claire left…oddly enough. "

Heyman frowns and says, "You know, she turned me gay, actually in 1998. It's funny that everyone thought Joey Styles was the biggest fag in ECW but it was me."

Alberto points out, "Hey, I heard she turned the Blue Meanie gay a year later, too."

Heyman nods, "Yep, she's responsible for creating more queers than an all-male boarding school."

Alberto sips his drink a couple times, thinking carefully. He finally asks, "Hey, why were you so obsessed with getting Justin Credible over at all costs, even though the entire population hated him?"

Heyman shrugs, "Well, I think Justin Credible was a great world champion. He had a great run in ECW. From driving Douglas, Sabu and Sandman out of the company. To his feud with Tommy Dreamer..."

Del rio asks, "Was Vince was paying you under the table to kill your company?"

Heyman nods and replies, "Yes. And what could kill a company better than putting the title on Aldo Montoya?"

Alberto asks, "Well, riddle me this, senor-Is it true that ju' only pushed the Dudleys because they were doing a lot of office work that ju' couldn't afford to pay them for?"

Heyman nods, "That's also true. They're my good friends, they did a lot of work for me, but I had to work like a motherfucker to get them over. I had to beg Gertner to do dick jokes during their entrance to get them over. I had to beg everyone that wrestled them to sell their shitty moves. I even had to beg fans to pretend like they got offended by their mic work. "

Alberto smirks a little and asks, "Well, what is jour biggest regret?"

Heyman answers simply, "That I blew all of ECW's money on male whores and casinos, duh! Oh, and that 911guy. Hey, I'm sorry about that one,that was Tod's idea. And I'm sorry for the Dupp Family also. I drank 3 bottles of gin the day I agreed to hire them."

Del Rio looks around and then back at Paul. He asks, "Why were you obsessed with small guys like Spike Dudley and Taz squashing larger guys? "

Heyman sips his drink and explains, "Ok…Well, ECW catered to the internet and the average height of an Internet wrestling community member is 5'4. I felt they'd get a kick out of it...well, I guess you're a lot taller than 5'4."

Alberto replies, "Yeah, but I'm not one of those IWC bitches—I actually WRESTLE, haha! Those wrestling nerds wouldn't let me join because I'm not a virgin, but meh…fuck 'em.

Del Rio orders another round of drinks and Heyman asks, "So, did you know that Raven's pissed at you about what you wrote about him on your Facebook page?"

Alberto laughs a little and answers, "Ha! I can take him. Have you seen 'Forever Hardcore'?

Heyman frowns and answers emphatically, "**Hell** no! Anything with Jeremy Bore-ass and Shane Douglas' names on it won't be getting a dime from me!"

Heyman takes a long sip from his glass and he continues, "Yeah, fuck Shane Douglas! I was ECW, not HIS broken down ass! He runs around talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else in wrestling, but then he records himself trying to get a crowd chanting ECW? See you in court with Vince, Einstein!"

Alberto laughs and says, "Yeah, what a dumb bastard."

Heyman does a double take at Del Rio and takes another sip from his drink. He looks at him straight and asks, "So, you really like ECW, huh?"

Alberto nods, "It was the best wrestling promotion ever. Jou're a living legend. I just regret that I wasn't part of it."

Heyman asks, "Ok then, ever show your appreciation?"

Del Rio sips his drink and nods, "Well, I spent _tons_ of money on it, senor."

Heyman shakes his head and says, "Um, no…I mean your appreciation towards me."

" Well, ju' spent all the money I gave ECW on-on gambling a-and drugs."

Heyman quietly says, "How about you REALLY show me how much you appreciated ECW?"

"What do ju' mean?"

Heyman looks around and says quietly, but not whispering, "I _know_ you know what I mean. How about you show your appreciation by letting me have sex with you?"

"Paul, no way!"

"Oh, come on, rock stars get laid out of appreciation for their hard work and hours of entertainment all the time. Why can't a wrestling writer?"

"Paul, I respect ju', but I'm not letting ju' fuck me in the ass. I'm not gay."

Heyman explains, "It's the new millennium, Alberto. Taking it in the ass doesn't make you gay. If it did, your entire male roster in the WWE would technically be homosexual. You're only gay if you get aroused during the process."

Alberto, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, thinks quick and excitedly says, "Uhh...Hey, look! It's New Jack! "

Heyman suddenly makes a break out of the restaurant yelling, "OH SHIT!"

Heyman runs out of the bar in fear as Alberto breathes a sigh of relief. He motions for Santino, pays the bar tab, and they head down the road.

* * *

><p>So finally, we'll look in on Sheamus and Natalya, as they've found a rest stop…<p>

Sheamus is sitting at a picnic table just trying to relax. Natalya is in the restroom, so let's join her in there, as she's at the sink…

"Hmm-hm-hm-hmm…", She hums her entrance theme song to herself as she washes her hands.

Another lady approaches the sink next to Natalya and starts washing her hands and then starts applying lipstick. She turns and squints at Natalya, as if to be trying to recognize her.

Natalya sees this out of the corner of her eye and, after a couple more moments, she finally turns and asks, "Um, may I HELP you with something?"

The lady blinks twice and nervously laughs, "I-I'm sorry, it's just that you look SO familiar!"

Natalya nods and says, "Oh…ok, then."

"Um, sorry to bother you, but don't you wrestle for WWE?"

"Yes…yes I do, why?"

"Well…I USED to work for WWE—my name's Torrie Wilson."

Natalya's eyes widen in surprise, "Torrie! I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you! How've you BEEN?"

Torrie smiles and replies, "Oh, I'm just fine, thanks! I decided to get my hair cut short and my modeling career has taken new heights!"

"Aww…that's wonderful!"

Torrie smirks a little and says, "Lemme' guess—you're on the beer and porn run, huh?"

Natalya sighs and nods, "Yeah, 'fraid so, haha! Hey, you don't want to come with, do you?"

Torrie says, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't—I have a MAJOR meeting in, like a couple hours. But, I wish you all the best with this—hope you win!

Torrie and Nat continue to talk for a few more minutes and in the meantime, Sheamus is checking his cellphone for the time, wishing Natalya would hurry up.

Sheamus says to himself, "Geez…did she fall IN the toilet, or something?"

Finally, Natalya comes out with a big grin on her face.

Sheamus says, "Well, gee lass—I thought you might've fallen INTO the loo! What happened?"

Natalya replies, "I ran into Torrie Wilson! I didn't recognize her at first because she cut her hair, but, yeah—it was her!"

Sheamus smiles and shakes his head. "C'mon lass, let's go. Oh, did she want to come along?"

Natalya says, "No, she said that she has a major meeting in a couple hours."

Sheamus shrugs and mumbles to himself, "Damn…I'd have given my left **arm** to be able to stare at her legs for the remainder of this trip! Gaaaaah!"

"Did you say something, Shame?

He shakes his head as he semi-dejectedly gets in his "car".

* * *

><p>I'll end this here this time, besides, I'm tired of typing tonight. Sue me.<p>

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.

Tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	6. New Beginnings, Same Old Complaints

Disclaimer: I don't own jack, dude.

* * *

><p>Welcome back fans and general readers alike! Last we left off, JR had to get a partner—or ELSE, and we found that Alberto was an ECW fan! <em><strong>This chapter's gonna' be short, as I need to get some sleep.<strong>_ Anyway, right now, we're going to join up with Kofi and CM, as they're making their way out of town…

Kofi asks, "Hey mon, you wanna' drive?"

CM shrugs and says, "Sure, dude. Pull over."

Kofi pulls over and they switch seats. Cm pulls off and, a few miles up the road, they pass what appears to be JR's car. Kofi points out, "Hey mon, 'dat looks like JR's car."

CM glances over a couple times to be sure and he furrows his brow and asks, "Hm, that IS his car. But why's it parked in front of that funny-looking building that…doesn't have any windows?"

As they pass by, Kofi shrugs.

* * *

><p>However, inside said building, a transaction of epic proportion is taking place. Let's join up with good ol' JR!<p>

JR pleads, "…but, all I need is for you to come along with me—that's all I ask! I know you've been there before and you've DONE this thing before, but think of how YOUR comeback will be for all your fans out there!"

The gentleman behind the desk is in a black suit with a black t-shirt underneath that just has the word "what" on it, he strokes his chin and says, "Ok, since we go back and you're one of my best pals—I'll be glad to do it! Just for **you**, though! Because…JR, I'm tellin' ya', if that mealy-mouth bastard McMahon or any of his kin decide to TEST ME—they WILL be sorry! This is in no way, shape, or form a threat—this is a PROMISE, JR!"

JR nods and says, "Y-yes, I understand. Thanks, glad you're in with me on this—I couldn't think of anyone better!"

"Ha! Damn STRAIGHT! Let's go! Where are you parked?"

"Oh, I'm right out front."

As they leave the building, the gentleman tells the secretary, "Hey honey, defer all my calls till I get back—I'll be back in a couple days or so—I'll call. Remember, hold my calls till I call you back—do you understand?"

The secretary nods back, smiles, and says, "Have a nice WHAT? Have nice trip, WHAT?"

JR looks at the gentleman and he just smiles proudly and says, "Training, JR—that there ain't nothing but training!"

JR shrugs and says, "Ok, we'd better get going, Steve."

* * *

><p>So, JR and Steve head on out to JR's bull-car and gallopride off. While they make their way out of the city, we'll join up with Natalya and Sheamus…

Natalya turns to Sheamus and asks, "Hey Shame, you ever had to share a room with an annoying room mate?"

Sheamus shakes his head, "No lass, whenever we go on the road, I ALWAYS insist on having me own room. Besides, it's written into me contract, nyahaha!"

Natalya continues, "Well, why does it seem like ALL the TIME I have to get stuck with firggin' EVE TORRES!"

Sheamus looks at her with an incredulous look on his face. He says, "Uh…lass, you sure 'bout that? Eve Torress has been the cause of many a sleepless night for yours truly!'

Natalya curls her upper lip in disgust and contempt. She aks, "WWWWWHAAAAT? Are you on CRACK, or something? Eve is the antichrist! In fact, I call her Eve 'the Antichrist' Torres! You wanna' know why, huh? You wanna?"

Natalya's starting to get this crazy look on her face and Sheamus shifts in his seat uncomfortably as he nods. She replies, "Eve—ok, lemme' tell you—THIS chick snores like her nose is a vacuum! In fact, I can remember one time—no a FEW times, when we'd be overnight at a hotel on the road, She'd be snoring her NOSE off, and I'd be in the bed across the room—MY covers were rolling up and down my body as she just snored away. She'd inhale, my blanket would go up, exposing my legs to the cold, and every time she exhaled, my blanket would go back down!"

Sheamus WANTS to laugh, but is kind of nervous at this time. Natalya continues, "Oh, and don't GET me started on her constant farting all night! By the time we wake up in the morning, it smells like someone was boiling EGGS all night!"

Sheamus hesitated a moment and just busted out laughing. Natalya glares and says, "What's so FUNNY?"

"Hahaha…oh GOD, lass—you're so dramatic!"

"Oh, oh, and did I mention that she ALWAYS steals my fucking SHAMPOO?"

Sheamus just keeps laughing, shaking his head as he and Natalya drive down the highway. Natalya goes on, "Oh, and ANOTHER thing about that…that…no-good WHORE, she ALSO…"

Sheamus laughs as Natalya vents in an octave NOTICEABLY higher than her regular voice. Sheamus laughs to himself a slowly plugs his ears with his index fingers...

* * *

><p>So, as Natalya vents, we'll cut this right here and now, lol. Goodnight, folks.<p>

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Don't forget to tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	7. For Better, or Worse?

Disclaimer: Be serious…you oughta' know by now that I don't own anything.

* * *

><p>Welcome baaaaaack! Last we left off, Natalya was complaining about one of her travel companions and JR found a new partner. However, we're going to join up with Alberto and Santino, as they're approaching the small town of Ardmore, OK…<p>

Santino sees the sign for Ardmore and asks, "Hmm, the Ardmoooooore…I wonder what's in…Aaaardmore?"

Del Rio shrugs and says, "To tell the truth, I've never even HEARD of Ardmore. "

So they drive ahead for a few more miles and stores start to gradually appear on the horizon in front of them. Del Rio says, "Hm, this cute little town must be Ardmore. Hey, check THAT out, eh? They even have a Wal-Mart!"

Santino points out, "Hey, did you see that signs we just eh-pass?"

Alberto smiled and said, "Yeah, we're almost to Dallas, just 110 more miles, eh?"

As they drive along, they start to see fruit stands along the road. Alberto points out, "Damn…all these FRUIT stands…"

Santino notices a clean-looking, but slightly unshaven man in a beige shirt, beige khakis, and black dress shoes on the side of the road, selling oranges and thumbing for a ride.

Santino squints and starts, "HEY, is that—"

Alberto smiles and says, "No fucking way! No way! Look at his big ass, selling oranges along the highway! HA!"

They pull over and all three of them look at each other, hesitate for a moment, and then all of them start hugging and shaking hands and laughing.

Alberto smiles and says, "Heeeeeey Senor Batista! What's up, my man?"

Batista takes off his sunglasses and smiles. He replies, "Eh, I'm just here trying to get to Dallas, homes."

Suddenly, a bright idea hits Alberto. Alberto snaps his fingers and says, "Suddenly a bright idea hit me!" (Yeah, yeah…I know how original I am.)

He points to Batista and asks Santino, "So, whadd'you think?"

Santino nods and says, "Eh-suuuure, suuure. Eh, senor Batista, we're on our way to Dallas right now! You can come along if you like!"

Batista looks at the two of them and asks, "You don't mind, do you? I mean—are you sure?"

Alberto nods and says, "Of course, my brother. Come along, it wouldn't be right to just leave you here thumbing for rides and selling oranges! C'mon, hop in!"

Before Batista climbs in, he smiles and asks Alberto, "The beer and porn run, right?"

Alberto shrugs and Batista climbs in the "car" laughing a little and shaking his head.

So now Santino, Alberto, AND Batista hop in Alberto's sombrero-car and zoom off toward Dallas.

* * *

><p>As they do that, let's go see Kofi and CM Punk, as they've decided to stop at the Walmart in Ardmore…<p>

CM looks around incredulously and scratches his head. He finds a cashier and asks, "Hey, what gives? There's nothing in this store except cowboy hats and barbecue sauce!"

The cashier smiles and replies, with a southern drawl, "Wail, the supplies we hayve are made to be specific to this here region, cutie. Most people 'round these parts like wearin' cowboy hats and we gots 'ta have our barbecue—we take it ver' seriously round yonder."

CM looks around the store and sees aisle after aisle of cowboy hats. He turns around and sees aisle after aisle of barbecue sauce. He shakes his head, holds up his hands and scurries out of the store.

He gets in the car and says, "Kofi, you would NOT believe that this joint ONLY sells cowboy hats and barbecue sauce!"

Kofi reaches behind his seat and gets out a cowboy hat and puts it on. He smiles and replies, "I KNOW, mon! All me wanted was a grape soda, but 'de cashier, she talk me into buyin' a cowboy hat! What I can't seem to believe is how I ALLOWED her to talk me INTO it, mon!"

CM says, "Well, believe it or not—after seeing all that BBQ sauce—I want some ribs all of a sudden. What the hell, dude?"

Kofi, being somewhat familiar with this general area, mentions, "Hey, I know a rib joint up the road a piece—D'Lo Brown works there!"

CM waves him off and replies, "Man, please…I don't even FEEL like dealing with D'lo Brown, c'mon, dude."

Kofi asks, "Well, why, mon? D'lo's good people."

CM turns to Kofi and sighs. He finally explains, "Kofi, if we go down there, I'm telling you he's GOING to want to come with us! You KNOW how he IS! He's going to beg and whine and likely make up some sort of sob story to get us to take him along—HELL no! And besides, he already had a couple of opportunities for this thing, here! So NO, I'm not…down with the Brown this time."

Kofi shakes his head and says, "Ah well, see you 'round, D'lo mon…"

* * *

><p>So they pull out of the WalMart parking lot and head back down the highway. Lastly, we'll look in on good ol' JR and Stone Cold…<p>

"So what kind of beer and what kind of porn Vince after THIS time?"

Ross replies, "Uh…it's uh…a fifth of Ouzo and the latest issue of Pervy Preggos."

Steve smirks and asks, "So what cock-a-mamie shop he got us travellin' to THIS time?"

Ross sighs and says, "Well, apparently this place is called 'Frank's Porn Shack, Funeral parlor, and Liquor Store.' Vince says it's in Dallas."

Steve replies, "You know, I remember the first one of these run I had to do for his sorry ass! I was wondering how he knew about all these odd, unlisted places in these big-assed cities. And ya' wanna' know what? I'm STILL wondering how he knows about all these places."

JR shrugs and replies, "Well him and Linda are always getting into it—moreso now than even in the past! I mean, a lot of times, we can't even get through a creative meeting without hearing a battle of wits between the McMahon family—it's MAINLY Vince and Linda, but sometimes it'll be Shane, Steph and Triple H!"

Steve shakes his head, saying, "Damn son, the more things just stay the same."

JR rolls his eyes, "Steve, you have NO idea! It's gotten worse since you left full-time TV. For instance, just a few days ago, we were in a creative meeting for SmackDown and Triple H and Stephanie couldn't agree on who should be in the main event. Well, SOMEHOW, the disagreement degenerated into Triple H airing his wife's dirty laundry about her excessive eating habits, Steph retaliated saying something along the lines of 'I've seen chicken bones bigger than your dick', or something like that, anyway."

Stone Cold laughs aloud, pounding the dashboard. He says, "Well DAMN, son, you took me back to the days—hey JR, remember when I used to get those two started at one another? Maaaaaaan Triple H used to get PISSED when he finally would make up with his wife—but, he never did anything about it—so I just kept at it, hahahaaa!"

JR smiles a little and replies, "Why yes I DO remember—aww, that was evil, Steve, hehehe. But it WAS gull-dern FUNNY, THAT'S the truth!"

"Ah memories…"

"Yep."

So that wraps up yet another chapter as JR and Austin ride off into the sunset, headed toward Dallas.

* * *

><p>Tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!<p> 


	8. We're Heeeeere!  In DALLAS!

Disclaimer: Nope, I STILL don't own anything….keep trying, though.

* * *

><p>Ok tonight, our superstars hit Dallas, just in time to enjoy the nightlife! Let's join up with Natalya and Sheamus, as they cruise the city looking for entertainment and lodging…<p>

Natalya looks around and takes a deep breath, smiling, "Damn, I ALWAYS love when we come here! Hey Shame, there's this one bar that I ALWAYS go to whenever I'm here—we HAVE to go, PLEEEEEEASE!"

Sheamus smiles and says, "Sure lass, hold your horses—let's check into a hotel first and THEN we can go shake our arses!"

Natalya excitedly claps and points out, "Hey look over there, beyond that bridge! There's a Marriott!"

Sheamus shrugs, "Hmm…Marriott doesn't sound too bad, darlin' Let's go!"

So Sheamus and Nat head over to the hotel and they each get their rooms. They take their showers, change into their spare wrestling gear and head out for some nightlife!

Natalya hooks her arm under Sheamus'. She says, "Ok, check THIS out! That club I was talking to you about, is right across the way! It's called 'The Lone Star Café and Club'—Shame, this place is AWESOME!"

Sheamus gets in his "car" and nods, saying, "Ok then, let's check it out! Oh—and we should meet up tomorrow morning at 7, cool?"

Natalya nods in approval, "7 it is, then!"

* * *

><p>Ok, as they head toward the club, let's join up with Alberto, Santino, and Batista who are already partying at a club called "Estampida". Alberto is dancing with a woman on either side of him. Batista has a crowd of maybe 7 women around him dancing—when he sat his oranges down, he gave a stern warning that no one better touch his oranges! However, Santino's up at the bar trying to chat up a young lady…<p>

"…eh-yeeeeessssss. Ah-then Santino, he jumped up and spin-kicked Kane's head off! He did it eh-so hard that Kane had to go into the 10th row to retrieve it. Then-then, he defeated the Triple Haych, yessssss….1-2-3, in the middle of the ring! Then, all of a sudden—9 BIG guys came running out from the back and they surround the ring, yesssssss…"

Santino sips his drink and continues, as the young lady smiles and listens.

"…and then they all come into the ring at the same time and pile on a-Santino Marella! Well, I powered out from the bottom and the men, they scatter everywhere! Santino use his cobra and knocked each one over the top rope-ah…yesssssss!"

The young lady smiles at Santino and says, "Santino, you always were a good storyteller, ahahahahaaa!"

The music blaring, the lights were a dark bluish-red, and Santino couldn't fully see what this young lady looked like, but she seemed to be able to recognize him! Hmm...

Santino furrowed his brow, squinted, and leaned in closer, trying to recognize who it was that knew him. He says, "Uh…excuse me, but how do you know eh-Santino?"

The woman finished her drink, hopped down and proceeded to military-press Santino in the club. Santino was yelling, "AAAAAGH, PUT ME DOOOOWWWWN, AAAAARRRRRGH!"

The lady laughed as she gently placed him back on a stool and folded her arms. Just then, the song ended, and the lights came on momentarily. Santino couldn't believe his eyes, "OH MY GOD, I-IT'S YOU…IT'S THE BETH GLAMAZON!"

Beth folds her arms, smirking, "Santino, Santino…when will you EVER learn? You can't get women by LYING!"

* * *

><p>Al right then—let's leave that scene and go to another one, with CM Punk and Kofi! They've decided to just check in to their hotel and stay in for the night it looks like. But…Kofi—what's HE up to at this hour?<p>

Kofi's under the covers watching some porn. Kofi smiles and says to himself, "Now THIS is what de' dreams are made of, mon! Mon, nothing beats Jamaican porn! And this is one of me favorites, too! It's called 'Jamaican Jack-offs'! Starring Jack Hammer, Black-Ass Bertha, and my queen—Jowanda Juggz!"

So, as the movie continues, weird thoughts start to cross Kofi's mind.

"Hey, weird thoughts are crossing me mind, mon!"

That's when he sees Jowanda Juggz start to masturbate with a piece of jerk chicken! He says to himself, "Oh my GOD, can life GET any better?"

That's when the idea hits him. He's pretty much just lying in bed, a tent pitched right in the middle of the covers. He reaches over, digs in his duffelbag and pulls out a bottle of garlic curry that he happened to have on hand. He stared at the bottle, then at the pornstar..the bottle again, then at the pornstar, the bottle, then the pornstar…suddenly, his dick was out and he poured some of the curry on his hand and he started masturbating as the pornstar was on tv doing the same—again, only SHE was doing it with a piece of jerk chicken.

So after a few minutes, the feeling got so good to Kofi that it left his mind on how ridiculous he looked masturbating using curry as a lubricant. He came and came forcefully, too! He let out a satisfied sigh and said to himself, "Aaaaahhhh…now 'dats more LIKE it, mon!"

He gets up, grabs his shower gel—ocean scented, mmm! And he heads into his bathroom and takes a shower, paying special attention to his crotch area, where the curry was applied. He dries off and gets back into bed and falls asleep. However, as he climbs into bed, he notices that he keeps smelling a mixture of ocean breeze and…garlic. He looks down and shrugs it off, figuring the smell will be gone by tomorrow, and he falls asleep.

* * *

><p>I'm going to end this here tonight. If you're wondering about JR and Stone Cold, well…JR stayed in and called his wife to check in on her. Stone cold went down to the hotel bar—they're at the Hyatt in Downtown Dallas—and he had a few drinks while he watched the football game. And yes, he told the bartender the ingredients in the drinks he wanted, and, between every ingredient named, the bar patrons shouted "WHAT?"<p>

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Hey, tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	9. New Bedsheets?  Well why?

Disclaimer: I don't own a daaaaaaaaamn thang!

* * *

><p>Hello again…like before! Last we left off, our superstars arrived in Dallas to enjoy the nightlife—some stayed in, some went out. But now, it's morning! So, since THAT'S the case, We'll check in on Vince at his condo in Wichita.<p>

Vince is sitting on his recliner in his boxers, an undershirt with bbq stains on it, and wearing a cowboy hat with cowboy boots on, watching 'Walker, Texas Ranger', and eating barbecue spare ribs. Talking AT the television, he takes a bite out of a rib and says, "Haha…there's no WAY he'll get away with that. Walker's gonna' whoop that ASS!"

Suddenly, his phone rings. He ignores it and says, "Eh, I'll call back during a commercial break. He looks over at the caller ID and doesn't recognize the number, which DOES bother him a little.

So, the commercial break comes, Vince sighs and decides to dial the number on the caller ID. He mutters, "Whoever this is better have a good damn excuse to be interrupting me!"

The phone rings and a rather pleasant voice comes in, "Hello?"

Vince replies, "Uh, yes, someone from this number called me earlier?"

"Ok, your name, sir?"

"Vince. I-I'm Vince McMahon."

"Ah, yes , please hold…"

"Wait—"

Before he could ask the lady to wait before transferring him, another voice comes on the line, only this one was more familiar, MUCH more familiar…

"Hello Vince."

"Linda…Well, what is it? I'm watching 'Walker, Texas Ranger'! This better be important!"

"Vince, it IS important, it's VERY important."

"Well hurry up with it, the commercial break's almost over!"

"Well, I need you to go to the department store and get some new bedsheets."

Vince rolls his eyes, "What? ALREADY? Dammit, Linda—I JUST brought some sheets last week, what happened to those?"

Linda sighs and says, "Vince, the pee-rings in those sheets are like…fuckin', coffee-brown! I can't wash those out! You KNOW that! In fact, ALL of our sheets have the pee-ring circus on them. Why do you always have to act all brand NEW whenever I tell you to pick something up for me?"

Vince, not in the mood to argue about his wife's incontinence issues, sees that the show is now back on and abruptly says, "Uh…um, gotta' poop, call ya' later!"

"Hey, you wait, mister—"

He ends the call and shuts his phone off. He looks at his land-line phone and disconnects that, too.

He mutters to himself, I don't give a DAMN—I ain't picking up NOTHING!"

_Meanwhile, on the other end of the line, Linda just stares at the receiver for a second and gently hangs up as she glances over at Stephanie, who glances back over while busy eating a bucket of chicken._

Linda winks at Steph and says, "Don't you worry, hon. Momma's gonna' show you how to get your husband's attention! I'm GONNA' call his ass BACK later!"

"Yaaaay Mommy! GET'M!"

Linda nods and folds her arms, looking at the phone, says, "'Gotta poop', huh? Alright, buddy, we shall SEE who's the boss, HERE!"

* * *

><p>Lets' join Alberto, Santino, and Batista, as they make their way from the hotel to downtown Dallas proper…<p>

Bastista smiles and says, "Hey guys, thanks for giving me this lift, a place to stay for the night, and a good time last night! Much appreciated, amigos!"

Alberto says, "Ha! Don't mention it, my friend!

Santino adds, "Eh-yesssssss…don't mention it, my friend!"

Batista looks at Santino and smiles a little. He says, "Hey Alberto, did you see what happened to Santino last night?"

Alberto shakes his head and looks at Santino, smiling, "No, wha' happing?"

Batista laughs and slaps his knee, saying, "Bwaahahahaaaa! Santino got bench pressed by Beth-burg last night!"

Alberto bursts out with laughter, as does Batista.

Alberto, still laughing, asks, "Hahaha…ju' mean, Beth Phoenix bodyslam ju'?

Santino rolls his eyes and says, "Ey-YESSSSSSTHAT-THAT STUPID GLAMABETH, SHE EH-SLAMMED SANTINO MARELLA! When she hold me up, all de' people, they look-a-like ants!"

Alberto and Batista look at each other, then at Santino, than back at each other and resume their laughter as Santino stands by with his arms folded, fuming over the incident.

* * *

><p>Ok, let's see how Kofi and CM are doing…<p>

CM and Kofi get into the "car" Kofi's using and pull out onto the highway.

Kofi passes a sign that has restaurants that are at the next exit. That's when it hits him—"SHEET mon!"

CM asks, "Dude, what's wrong?"

Kofi pounds the steering wheel in frustration, saying, "I forgot to ask the hotel staff where 'dis place EES!'

CM says, "Oh, is that all? Ok, up here at this exit, there's a Dunkin' Donuts. Ok, we go IN the place ask someone for directions, and get a couple donuts for breakfast, dude!"

Kofi sighs and says, "Fine, okay then."

Suddenly Punk starts thinking. He turns to Kofi and asks, "Hey, speaking of forgetting things, I've been meaning to ask you—you smell something like…garlic in here?

"Kofi, feigning ignorance, sniffs around the "cabin" and replies, "No mon, sorry. Me smell NO garlic. Must be your imagination, mon."

CM thinks for a second and says, "Yeah, that has to be it, hahaha."

Kofi looks away from CM with a sly little smirk on his face as they drive down the highway.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading! I'm cutting this one off for tonight because I don't feel like typing anymore tonight. So…<p>

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Join me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	10. Directions, Donuts, and Heroes

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, guy.

* * *

><p>Once again, we're back! Let's see, last we left off, Vince THOUGHT he got away from his wife's plea for new bedsheets, Batista and Alberto were poking fun at Santino getting military pressed at the club the night previous, lol. Let's join up with Stone Cold and JR…<p>

Steve asks, "Hey JR, did you find out exactly where this place is? Or what?"

JR shakes his head, "Well, no Steve. But I was going to try and find a gas station or something."

Just then, as if on command, Steve sees an Applebee's restaurant. He says, "JR, it ain't no gas station, but we could probably ask at that there Applebee's"

So JR nods and pulls into the parking lot. Steve gets out and says, "Keep it runnin', I'll be right back."

Upon entering the store, Steve is met with applause as some of the patrons recognize him.

The greeter smiles and says, "Ah, welcome to Applebee's, one today?"

Steve replies, "No ma'am, I just need directions to uh…Frank's Porn Shack, Funeral Parlor, and Liquor Store."

The waitress responds by pointing him in the direction of one of the managers, who's apparently on break at this time, as he's sitting at the bar watching the football game. The waitress warns Steve to speak to him loudly and distinctly, as he's hard of hearing.

Steve nods and approaches the manager. The Manager immediately recognizes him and says, HEEEEEEY, YOU'RE Steve Austin! How 'ya doin'?"

Hey, I'm good, thanks. Hey listen, uh…I'm trying to find Frank's Porn Shack, funeral parlor, and liquors. I understand that you can give me directions?"

The man leans over and asks, "What?"

Steve, forgetting that the man's hard of hearing, repeats a little louder, "Where's Frank's Porn shack?"

The guy shakes his head and replies, "What?"

Steve rolls his eyes and, this time, he yells, "FRANK'S PORN SHACK, WHERE IS IT?"

"What?"

Steve thinks for a second and pulls out a pen and paper and writes down his request. The man reads it, smiles and writes down "What?".

Steve looks at the paper, and with a low-brow expression, hands the paper back to the manager, who laughs a little and writes down the directions to the place.

* * *

><p>So as Steve FINALLY gets directions from this guy, we'll look in on Natalya and Sheamus…<p>

Sheamus mentions, "Heya lass, I meant to tell ya'—that was an awesome club we went to last night, I'll have to remember that!"

Natalya smiles and says, "See? I told you you'd enjoy it. Hahaha…in fact, you and about 2 other guys were doing the fucking MOONWALK at like the same time. I gotta' say, for a lack of practice, the choreography was EXCELLENT!"

Sheamus asks, "Really? I was doin' the…moonwalk?"

Natalya nods and says, "Well, you drank a little too much Jamison's and…well…that's what you wound up doing. It was friggin' HILARIOUS!"

Sheamus, changing the subject, "Hey…uh…let's stop and get some breakfast to go and try and find out where this place is."

Natalya nods and says, "Hey, look—up ahead there, it's…some kind of bar/grill joint. Let's stop in!"

Sheamus pulls into the parking lot and they go into the restaurant. The hostess asks, "Will this be two this morning?"

Sheamus shakes his head and answers, "Yes, hon. But we'd like our breakfast to go, please."

"Ok then, are you ready to order, or do you want to look at your menu?"

They look at one another and Natalya says, "Um…no, I think we know what we want."

The waitress gets out her blackberry and prepares to take their orders. Natalya says, Uh, I'd like the breakfast burrito, with a side of coffee, please."

She inputs the order saying, "Ooooohhhkaaaaay…now, what would you like, sir?"

"Uh, yes lass, I'd like the smoked salmon, please?"

So the waitress inputs his order and says, "Ok, that's the breakfast burrito with coffee and the smoked salmon, to go, then?"

Sheamus and Nat nod their heads as she pushes the "send" option on her device. She smiles and says, "Ok, your orders should be ready soon. Please, have a seat in our lounge area. Here, take this—it'll vibrate when your food is ready."

Natalya takes the device and they head for the lounge area. The bartender is cleaning off the top of the counter and preparing to open.

Sheamus looks over at the bartender and squints, trying to recognize him, as he looks very familiar. He nudges Natalya and points to the bartender. Natalya says, "You gonna' go say 'hi'?"

Sheamus laughs a little and heads over toward the bartender. He says, "Hey bartender, fix me a drink, NOW!"

With his head still down, the bartender sighs and starts, "Look pal, I'm not open yet, go on, get—" The bartender is looking up and his eyes meet Sheamus'. The bartender laughs and says, "You DO have a knack for showing up out of nowhere, don't you?"

Sheamus and the bartender share a manly handshake and Sheamus says "Wow, John Morrison! So this is where you went, huh?"

John shrugs and says, "Yeah, 'fraid so. But, hey—I gotta' tell you, the money's pretty decent, actually. I don't have any bennies right now, but I'm uh, workin' on that. How've you been, man?"

Sheamus says, "I'm alright, I guess. Vince has us on that beer and porn run, wouldn't ya' know?"

John laughs and shakes his head a little, "He just neeeeever quits, does he? Hahahaha—OH hey—is Orton still a perv?"

Sheamus laughs and says, "Are you KIDDING, mate? He's worse than EVER! Lemme' tell you what he was doing last week! We had a creative meeting, right? Well, he waited until after everyone left and started SMELLING THE CHAIRS of where the women wrestlers were! Hell, that freak even smelled Mae Young's chair!"

Morrison cringed a little at that last one. He laughes, "Ah, Randy—the more things change, the more they stay the same. He and Sheamus laugh as Natalya motions for Sheamus as their food is ready. John and Sheamus shake hands as Sheamus leaves, "Ok man, stay cool!"

"Hey, good seein' ya'! Take it easy, mate!"

John yells over to Natalya and she waves back before leaving toward the front counter. At the counter, Sheamus asks the cashier, "Uh, sorry to trouble you miss, but could you give us the directions to Frank's Porn Shack, Funeral parlor, and Liquor store? We tried looking in the phone book and Googling it, but nothing comes back."

The waitress smiles and says, Oh, of course—my ex-husband LOVED that place. Here are the directions…She takes out a napkin and writes down the directions as Sheamus and Natalya look on.

* * *

><p>Now, we'll join up with CM and Kofi, as they're now approaching a Dunkin' Donuts store.<p>

CM says, "Alriiiight, there's Dunkin' Donuts—let's get some breakfast and some directions."

"Cool mon, I'm with 'dat!"

The two enter the store and approach the counter. The cashier just flatly says, "Ha-lo, my name ees Mohammad, may I take your or-der?"

CM smiles at the cashier regardless and says, "Uh, yes, I'd like 2 vanilla cream-filled and a medium coffee."

Just as CM finishes his order, a motorcycle could be heard pulling into the parking lot. This seems to get the cashier's attention as his eyes get big. This, of course, causes CM and Kofi to turn around…

Suddenly, the lights go out and a loud gong is heard. The gentleman on the bike parks and enters the store. The cashier cries out, "No…PLEASE…not again, sir!"

The Undertaker shakes his head and grabs the cashier by the shirt, lifting him up about 5 inches off the ground, saying, "You messin' with me, boy?"

The cashier, obviously scared out of his mind, says, "I-I'm sorry Mr. Taker! But I-I'm out of the glazed!"

The other customers watched as Takers eyes flared up in a rage when he heard the news. Taker waves his finger at the cashier, saying, "Boy, you better start makin' sense!"

The cashier finishes explaining, "We-we had a very busy lunch rush! I couldn't STOP them, they all kept ordering glazed, please don't hurt me! I have a family and keeds! Pleeeeease, I beg you!"

Taker says, "I'll tell you what, son—you get me two dozen peanut butter cream-filled and I'll pretend this never happened."

The cashier quickly nods and says, "Uh…R-Right away, Mr. Taker…sir!"

Taker lets go of the cashier's shirt, shoving him a little in the process. While the cashier is trying to fill this enormous order, a line is forming. CM and Kofi glance at each other, then at Taker, who is waiting at the counter with his arms folded. CM smiles and whispers to Kofi, "Hey, why not be a hero—tell him he needs to shove off."

Kofi looks back at CM and says, "What are YOU smoking, mon? YOU go up and tell heem. I'm gonna' be a good li'l boy and wait my turn!"

Taker then turns around to address the other customers waiting in line. He says, "I appreciate you folks' patience, here. And I'm glad I didn't have to throw anyone out the window for complaining or trying to be a HERO, either! Dunkin Donuts is MY shit, ok—this is MY yard, and don't any of YOU ever forget it!"

He turns back around and Kofi looks at CM, who folds his arms, snickering a little. Kofi mutters, "Hero, huh?"

The cashier finally fills Taker's order and Taker asks, "Ok son, how much?"

The cashier rings in the order and says, "Uh…I-It's 24 dollars."

Undertaker shakes his head and says, "No it isn't, it's 5 dollars-wanna' know why? Because that's all I have in my pocket right now!"

Taker takes his order, opens the box and stuffs two donuts down his throat as he walks out, bumping into people on his way out. As he leaves, the lights gradually come back on and business resumes as normal. Kofi and CM shrug and approach the counter again—they ask the clerk for directions to the porn shack and he writes down the directions.

* * *

><p>I'm gonna' end this here today. Oh, and as far as Alberto, Santino, and Batista go—Batista gave them the directions before they dropped him off at the train station. (I'm not keeping Batista in this one—besides, he was already in a Grapefruits story.<p>

* * *

><p>So join me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!<p> 


	11. Here we are at Frank's!

Disclaimer: Nothing's changed—I still don't own anything.

* * *

><p>Ok, last we left off, Kofi and CM found out about Taker's donut addiction, Steve Austin ran into an almost-deaf guy, and Batista was dropped off at the train station. Now we rejoin our superstars as they're all en route to the location. More specifically, we'll rejoin Alberto and Santino…<p>

Alberto asks, "Hey, Santino—you got the directions from senor Batiste?"

"Eh-yessss…a-Santino has them!" He pulls the piece of paper out of his pocket and hands it to Alberto. Alberto checks his rear view and pulls over so he can study the map. He gazes over it and says, "O….k, we're supposed to make a left at this light up here."

So Alberto pulls out and ALMOST gets side-swiped by an oncoming car. Whoever the driver was honks his horn loudly and yells, "WATCH OUT, YOU STUPID FUCK!". Santino looks at Alberto and Alberto's smile disappears as he speeds up to catch up with the car so he could have a word or two with the driver. Surely, at that next light—the one where Alberto's to hang a left, by the way—it goes red and catches the mystery driver.

Alberto mutters, "Now I got heem!"

Santino looks at the car and raises an eyebrow. He says, "Eh, Alberto—THAT'S the car? It looks like a gigantic set of dentist tooths!—on the wheels!"

To describe the car, it looks like a big-ass smile with no lips, but with 4 wheels underneath…somehow.

Alberto throws his towel down and declares, "Look, I no CARE what the-the CAR look like! Whoever is driving it is going to get taught some manners!"

Alberto is going to pull up beside the teeth-car, but suddenly the car darts to the left turning lane, DIRECTLY in front of Alberto and Santino, and they almost rear-end this car. Alberto, with a disgusted look on his face, slams on his horn and yells, "FUUUUUCK!"

The light changes and the teeth-car zooms off, as if the driver knows he's being followed. Santino says, "Hey, Alberto…you notice de' car, it zoomed off!"

Alberto replies, "Oh jeah', well, we going to CHASE it!"

So this chase goes on for about a couple miles up the road. Alberto finally gets enough of a stretch of road to pull along side of the offending car. Meanwhile, the driver of the car is looking in his rear view mirror shaking his head and saying to himself, "Geez…like, who IS this douche that keeps chasing me?"

The driver looks at Alberto and Alberto IMMEDIATELY recognizes the driver. Alberto screams, "DAMN JU', EDGE! YOU ALMOST TOOK ME OUT WIH JU' CAR, MAN!"

Edgs flashes that, all-familiar grin and answers, "Sorry, dude! Hahaha—I'm on my way to Frank's—I know Vince prolly has you on that beer and porn things he INSISTS on doing—is that where you're headed, dude?"

Alberto replies, "Yeah, good guess, man. That IS where he has us going!"

Edge winks and says, "It's just up the road a piece—follow me!"

Alberto gives Edge a thumbs-up, winks back, and pulls in back of him, and they take off toward the store.

* * *

><p>Now, let's look in on Natalya and Sheamus, who are just now pulling in the parking lot.<p>

Sheamus says, "Ok Natalya, you get the liquor, and I'll get the porn!"

Natalya thinks for a second and replies, "How about YOU get the liquor and I get the porn?"

Sheamus asks, "Well, why—oh nevermind, do as you wish, lass!"

Sheamus parks his tanning bed car crooked in front of the building as he and Natalya run inside.

* * *

><p>Natalya runs directly toward the porn section, breezing through the burgundy curtain that cuts it off from the funeral parlor. She has a mental list of things to get, but hopes that she doesn't take too much time getting them.<p>

Sheamus watches, amazed, as he never knew Natalya could run that fast. He scratches his head and just says, "Well, DAYUM!"

So, as he heads off to get the booze, we'll follow Natalya as she's ALREADY found the magazine! She asks the clerk where the toys are, he points her in the direction, she goes down the aisle, and her eyes light up at what she finds!

"Shit—this is JUST what I'm looking for—I'd better take two! Tee-heehehehee!"

However at this time, she also sees JR browsing around through the magazines. She looks around and doesn't see anyone else. She decides, "Hmm, maybe I should 'help' him find the magazine."

She jogs over to JR and he says, "Oh, hi Natalya! What's up?"

Natalya replies, "JR, I saw you over here looking, and I just wanted to point you in the right direction, is all!"

"Awww…we'll that's very nice of you, Natalya. Where do I go?"

Natalya points JR to the back area, where the restrooms and storage rooms are and QUICKLY runs out of the store, laughing. She gets in Sheamus' car, but he still hasn't come out yet. She frantically looks around and sighs when she doesn't see him.

She looks toward the entrance of the parking lot and sees Kofi and CM Punk just arriving. They park directly behind where Sheamus' car is and bolt inside.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile Sheamus is having a bad time finding the booze—this is mostly due to the fact that he's never even HEARD of Ouzo , let alone knowing how to properly SPELL it. He whispers to himself, "Oozo, oozo, oozo.-why the bloody hell can't I find it? UGH!"<p>

He glances over and sees Kofi running in and looking at the aisles, he appears to have found it as he takes a bottle and bolts over to the registers. Sheamus sees this and, instead of going to the correct aisle and getting it, he tries to intercept Kofi…

"Gimme that bottle, and I won't hurt ya'!"

Kofi thinks quickly and yells, pointing to the ceiling, "Uh…Wait, what's that, mon?"

Sheamus turns for a quick second and is met with a Trouble in Paradise—right inside the liquor store. Kofi keeps an eye on him as he gets checked out.

Kofi leaves and says, "See you later, mon!" Kofi dashes out of the store and runs toward the menorah that brought him and CM there.

* * *

><p>In the porn section of the store, JR is in the back yelling, "Helloooo…anybody here? Can anyone HEAR meeee? That damn…jezebel Natalya, she gave me bad information! I'm gonna' git her when I see her, doggone!"<p>

On the other side, Stone Cold has already checked out with the Ouzo—and a few of his personal favorite brands of whiskey, wouldn't ya' know? Alberto was in line right behind him with HIS bottle of Ouzo, waiting to get checked out. Meanwhile as Alberto's waiting in line, Sheamus is just coming to. He shakes the stars off, picks himself back up, and gets some Ouzo. He makes his way over to the registers and picks a line—as they're all pretty much full, anyway.

On the porn side of the store, we find that JR has finally found his way back to the main part of the shop. He finds the magazine and makes a dash over to the registers—as quick as he can, anyhow. He's in line behind CM Punk, who's currently being checked out.

* * *

><p>In the meantime, Natalya is honking the horn impatiently, beckoning Sheamus to come out already. "What in God's name is TAKING him so long?" She checks her watch and says, "Shit, he should've BEEN out here—we were the first ones here!" She looks at what ELSE SHE purchased and smiles to herself saying in a cheerful tone, "Mmm…this is gonna' be fun, it's gonna' be fu-hunnnnnn, nyahahahaa!"<p>

Just then, her smile fades as she now sees Kofi and CM Punk running out of the store, followed by Stone Cold and JR. After about a few more moments in anticipation, here comes Sheamus. He gasses the car and they zoom out of the parking lot. Alberto and Santino follow soon thereafter.

* * *

><p>I'll stop this here for now. This is the last update before the holiday! And, since it's the holiday, I want to wish my readers and supporters a happy whatever it is you celebrate at this time of year—and if you DON'T celebrate anything in particular, then just…have a great day.<p>

But don't you go forgettin' to tune in—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	12. Do You Smell Garlic?

Disclaimer: I don't own Monterey jack shit!

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><p>Ho, Ho, Ho! MERRRRRRRRRY CHRISTMAAAAAAAAS, EVERYBODYYYYYYYY! I hope all of you had a nice holiday, because I KNOW I did! Anyway, welcome back! Last we left off, the stars had already picked up their liquors and porno mags. Let's join up with Stone Cold and JR as they've hit the open road…<p>

Stone Cold's driving and JR turns to him and asks, "Hey Steve, can we git' something to eat? I'm hungrier than a pet coon!"

Austin replies, "Sure son, wait'll we hit the right exit, we'll get something!"

JR shakes his head, as he thinks back to what Natalya did to him, "Steve, do you know what Natalya did? I thought she was trying to be her normal sweet, helpful self-she offered to help me find the porno mag, but instead, she pointed me toward the back corridor area. Steve, I got **lost** and it was about 15 minutes before I could find my way back to the store!"

Austin nods, "Ah…so THAT'S what happened to you? You know, I THOUGHT I heard someone yelling 'help' from right on the other side of the wall, but I ain't think nuthin' of it."

JR says, "Well, li'l miss…Natalya better pray that I'm not made GM!"

Steve smirks, "Gonna' git'er, huh JR?"

"Ha! Damn straight! You know what? I think I just MIGHT put her in a blindfold match—yeah, it's BEEN a while since the last one of those, but I think its time has come AGAIN! Whadd'you think, Steve?"

Autin shrugs and replies, "Hell son, if someone played ME like that, you'd better believe I'd be in their ass like a damn suppository, son—in fact, they'd change my NAME to 'The Stone Cold Suppository, Steve Austin' And THAT'S the bottom LINE, because Stone Cold SAYS so!"

JR furrows his brow, thinking for a second. He says, "Uh…Steve? I don't think you'd want to be called a suppository, do you?"

Steve answers, "Ya' damn RIGHT I do! Some mealy-mouth sum'bitch tries to make a fool out of Stone Cold? ENH-ENH! I'm gonna' git' up in EVERYBODY'S ass if things don't change! I'm gonna' spend each day diving in and out of peoples' asses! I'm gonna' go up one ass—WHAAAT?, two asses—WHAAT, three asses—WHAAAT, asses, asses, and MORE asses—JR, Ol' Stone Cold's gonna' be SURROUNDED by asses!"

JR, wisely changing the subject back to where it _was_, adds, "Uh…yeah ok, Steve. But I was thinking that if I get that GM spot—even IF it's only for one night—I'd put Miss Natalya in a blindfold match against..I dunno…David Otunga, or some other asshat running around the WWE locker rooms. THAT'LL teach her all she needs to know about not knowing where she IS!"

"What?"

Steve, didn't you hear what I was just saying?"

"…What?"

"Ahh, nevermind."

Austin just smiles back at JR as he keeps driving on.

* * *

><p>Ok, now let's join up with Santino and Alberto, who need to get some gas…<p>

Alberto's looking around, frustrated that he can't find a gas station around anywhere. He pounds the steering wheel and says, "DAMN it! Why can I no fine a gas station around here anywhere? When I don't need any gas, they're EVERYWHERE, but when I need gas, eh—they all disappear it seems!"

Santino advises, "Calm down, Alberto. We just pass the sign with the-eh gasolines on it. It's supposed to be up ahead about 10 miles, e-yesssss."

Alberto repeats, "What? 10 miles? I'm bordering on EMPTY, puto! I just hope this car can make the trip!"

So, they travel along the stretch for about 10 miles, and, sure enough, a Sunoco station appears in the distance. Alberto says, "Ok, there's the gas station—looks like we're gonna'—"

Just then, the car starts coughing and sputtering. Santino says, "No, no, please Mr . Car! Don't Eh-DOOOO thissss."

Alberto, panicking, says, "Yeah, what HE said—pleeeeease senor car, don't DOOOOO theeees!"

But it's too late. Alberto pulls over to the side of the road as the car runs out of gas and he looks over at Santino saying, "Well, looks like we'll have to poosh the car. I see no other way."

So, now Santino and Alberto push the car about a mile up the road toward the gas station. While they were pushing their car, Natalya and Sheamus go whizzing by. As they were passing them, Natalya yells out, "SEE YOU LATER, LOSERS, AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Santino runs out in the middle of the road to shake his fist at her but gets honked at LOUDLY by an oncoming truck and he quickly dives to the side of the road. Alberto looks at him and says, "C'mon, get up you fool! Finish helping me poosh this car!"

So Santino grumbles under his breath as he helps Alberto push the car up to the station.

* * *

><p>We'll leave them to…that and we'll now join up with CM Punk and Kofi…<p>

CM looks strangely at Kofi and asks, "Dude, seriously…are you SURE you don't smell any garlic?"

Kofi shakes his head and says, "Absolutely not, mon. Me smell NO garlic."

CM explains, "I'm sorry to keep asking you, but it's like, ever since we left the hotel this morning, I've been smelling garlic every time I'm around…you."

Kofi says, "Well mon, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I EAT a lot of things with garlic in it, maybe that's where the smell is coming from?"

CM looks at Kofi, turns away, and then looks at him again, "See? No, that CAN'T be it. I mean, we haven't even had breakfast yet today and I KNOW we didn't take anything into our hotel rooms to eat, or anything. I just can't figure out why I'm smelling GARLIC like this."

Kofi rolls his eyes and says, "Look, things could always be worse, mon—I mean, 'tink about it—you could be smelling sheet, or something like that. All you're smelling is garlic—something very tasty and fragrant."

CM nods and says, "Yeah, I get your point, it's just that it's getting a bit annoying, is all. And I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it."

Kofi tries to keep from laughing, but at the same time, he knows CM—when he's trying to figure something out, he's like a pitbull-he won't stop fighting until the opponent is destroyed, or in this case, until the case is solved.

Kofi, still not admitting what he did, says, "Ok mon, I'll help you as best I can, but me still don't smell any garlic."

* * *

><p>Last, but not least, we rejoin Natalya and Sheamus, as they've found a Bob Evans restaurant…<p>

Natalya looks at the menu and says, "Damn, I'm hungry enough to eat the horse you rode in on, Shame, hahahahaa."

Sheamus smiles and says, "hmm…I think I'm gonna get a couple burgers and some fries."

Natalya raises an eyebrow and asks, "Um, are you…SURE you want that this time of morning? It's only 9, dude."

Sheamus, playing tough-guy, says, "C'mon, Natalyaaaaa…C'moooooooon, hahahaha! I'm the Celtic WARRIOR! Now, I'm having my cheeseburgers and we're gonna' roll!"

Natalya shrugs and says, "I guess I'll have bacon, eggs, Texas toast and grits."

The waitress comes and takes their orders and she says, "Ooohhhkaaay…I'll be right back with your orders."

So, after a few minutes, the waitress returns with their orders—Natalya, with her sensible breakfast and Sheamus, with his 3 half-pound bacon-cheeseburgers with fries and a soda that's half Coke, half Sprite. _(WTF?)_

Natalya eats her breakfast uneasily as she watches Sheamus literally INHALE his sandwiches and fries—not to mention, he's actually done eating BEFORE Natalya! Natalya finishes her grits and eats her last piece of bacon.

THIS time, they go up and pay. Natalya leaves the waitress a decent tip and they get in the "car". Before they pull off, Sheamus looks at the bag from the porn shop and asks, "Hey Natalya, if I 'm not stepping on anything, may I ask you a personal question?"

Natalya shrugs and says, "Hm…MY life's an open book, anyone can ask me anything!"

Sheamus asks, "Well, I've been wondrin', lass—about the cellphones you picked up from that store back there. Don't you already have a cellphone?"

She nods and says, "Of course, I do, silly." She reaches down and pulls the phones out of the bag and says, "Ok see, these are SPECIAL phones that you can't actually TALK on, but there's a number programmed into them that you can actually DIAL!"

Sheamus shakes his head in confusion, "I'm sorry lass, I don't quite follow. Why would you buy a phone that you can't actually talk into? I understand the part about the number being dialed and all, but why—"

Natalya says, "Ok, let me explain—these phones ONLY ring—that's it. There's no shutting off the setting, either. But the BEST part is that, when the phone rings, it vibrates—and much more vigorously than a regular cellphone. NOW do you get it? I USED to have to use my regular cellphone, but Alicia Foxx turned me onto these things, she said that she and her boyfriend use them all the time."

Sheamus nods his head in understanding, but he also has kind of an icky thought—he just remembered why her phone 'smelled so funny', as he put it, after he finished using it to check in with his wife after they left the club the night previous. He curled his top lip slightly and replied, "Ah…I see, lass."

Natalya continues, "Oh, hahahaha…Alicia told me that, she lives next to an elderly lady, right? Ok, one time when she and her boyfriend were teasing one another one night, her neighbor kept hearing what SHE thought was Alicia's phone ringing _**off the hook**_. Alicia said that she must've forgot to lock the door because the old lady came to try and stop the phone from ringing and all she found was Alicia tied up by her wrists and ankles to her bedposts-naked, with a cellphone between her legs. And her boyfriend was in his boxers with a bow-tie around his neck holding the other cellphone! Shame, can YOU say 'deer in the headlights'? HA!"

Sheamus laughs a little shaking his head as he drives off. He mutters, "Crazy kids and their...toys…"

* * *

><p>We'll cut this one off right here, thanks for tuning in, but don't forget to tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!<p> 


	13. Illiteracy, Incontinence, and You

Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever, owned shit.

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Yeah, I took a hiatus for a couple days, but I'm back now. I had some gin earlier, and I'm ready to roll again! Here we go, press 'START'!

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><p>Ok, last we left off, Steve was confessing his aspirations of becoming a suppository, of sorts…CM Punk smells garlic, and, thanks to Alicia Fox, Natalya has a creative use for her newly-purchased "cellphones". However we're gonna' join up with Santino and Alberto, as they've made it to the gas station…<p>

Alberto and Santino push the car to a pump and Alberto sighs and says, "Ah, at last we make it to Citgo Station, my friend!"

Santino looks around and sees the station sign. He says, "Uh, we're at the Gulf stations."

Alberto snaps back, "Alberto knew that, ju' buffoon! He was just practicing for…uh…the next gas station we…uh…come to, jes' that's it!"

Santino rolls his eyes, "Eh-sure you were, Alberto."

Alberto points at Santino, saying, "Oh, I know what ju' are trying to say. Well, Alberto Del Rio is not illiterate, my friend!"

Santino shrugs, "Okaaaaay…fine, I believe you. Say, why don't you pump the unleaded gasolines, eh? Eh-Santino will go into the quick stop area and get some Twinkies and eh-Sprites.

Alberto says, "Hey, while 'ju in there, get me a bag of Doritos and a Coke."

Santino nods and heads inside the store…

Alberto mutters to himself, "Oh well, back to the task at hand. Now let's see…Unleaded…un…lead…ed…come on, Alberto, you can do this…if it's un**lead**ed, it doesn't have lead like a pencil…the opposite of a pencil would be a pen…pens often have blue ink…so it must be the blue pump!"

_(As Alberto confidently begins pumping gas, Santino returns with Twinkies, Sprite, Coke, and a bag of Doritos.)_

Santino says, "Well, Santino's set. I have my eh-Sprites and I have your Soda and Doritos!

Santino looks over at the gas pump and notices something strange…

"Hey, what are you doing? That's not unleaded gas! It's Diesel!"

Alberto looks down at the pump and then at Santino, "Wait, ju' mean it's not unleaded? Um, I mean, I knew that it wasn't! This is MY car, and I make the gasoline decisions, ju' little bitch!"

Santino starts, "Eh-look…give it up. I know you can't—"

Alberto relents and admits, "Alright, alright already! That's right, Alberto can't read! There, are ju' happy? Ju' have exposed the greatest champion in sports entertainment as a fraud. I bet ju' feel like a big bad man.

Santino shrugs and says, "Actually, it's eh-just kind of sad. I mean, aren't you supposed to be writing a book?"

Alberto shakes his head, "All lies! JK Rowling is my ghostwriter; that's why there are going to be so many pictures. Een' fact, senor—I'll be 'jusing an excerpt from a Harry Potter book to describe my title reign! Look my friend, just promise me you'll keep my illiteracy a secret. If word of this got out, I'd be ruined."

Santino nods and says, "Eh-don't worryyyyy…Eh-Santino will keep your secrets safe with him, eh? Besides, we have more important things at hand, like winning this thing here!"

* * *

><p>So we'll leave them to pump their gas and we'll rejoin Vince, back in his condo in Wichita, KS. THIS time, He's watching a Kansas City Chiefs football game. His face is painted one side red, the other side yellow <em>(just like the team colors)<em>. He's STILL in his boxers and wife-beater _(sleeveless undershirt for those unfamiliar)_. Let's join him as he watches the game…

Vince takes a bite out of his turkey sandwich and yells, "FOUL? FOUL? HOW THE HELL CAN IT BE A FOUL, YOU MORONIC REF? I SWEAR, IF YOU WORKED FOR ME YOU'D BE FIIIIIIIRED!"

He THROWS the turkey sandwich against the screen as the phone starts ringing. Still angry at the ref's call, he's not paying attention to the phone ID. He answers it, "Dammit, HELLO? HELLO?"

The voice on the other end replies calmly, _"Hello Vince."_

"Oh no—Linda?"

"_Of COURSE, sweetie! It's me! And you KNOW what I want so don't you deny me!"_

Vince cringes and says, "Oh no you don't, Linda! No you DON'T! Now you listen to me, you—"

Linda cuts him off, _"NO, YOU listen to ME! We need new bedsheets and we need them NOW! In fact, while I have you, I want some douche as well—and it BETTER be my favorite—'Peach Passion'!"_

Vince whines, "Aw, come on, Linda! You know that-that 'Peach Passion bullshit gives me headaches!"

"_SHUT up, VINCE!"_

"No YOU shut up, Linda! I'm DAMN sick and tired of buying douche, bedpans, bed SHEETS, adult diapers, granny-panties, incontinence briefs, and—you know what, come to think of it—why is it you always have me buying KY Jelly?"

Linda replies, _"Now look, Vince—"_

Vince cuts HER off and continues, "No, no, no—I want to know why you INSIST on having me buy you KY jelly? I mean, as weak as YOUR bladder is, you're ALWAYS wet! And stop asking me to go down on you—your unshaven, nappy-assed pussy smells like a urinal!"

Linda angrily retorts, _"Look pal, your BALLS aren't exactly springtime fresh! And let me ask YOU, wiseguy—why is it that your balls are so much bigger than your dick, huh asshole?"_

Vince fires back, "Oh yeah, well thanks to your damn bladder issues, the few times we fuck, I can't tell if you CAME or if you just PEED! You like to take pride in being a 'squirter', but the problem is that I can never be sure what you're squirting! And, in case you're wondering—THAT'S why I now wear a face shield to bed!"

Linda says, _"You insensitive asshole! I'm sure you know why I'm always asking you, 'is it IN yet?'"_

"No, why DO you ask me that, Linda?"

Linda sighs and says, _"Man, you sure are thick, aren't you? Look, just get the fucking bedsheets and come home—I need some lovin'! I need a MAN to do it with me, and…well, you're the closest thing to one that I have, so move it, buster!"_

Vince snarls and just looks at the receiver. He finally says, in a calmly angry voice, "…I hate you."

Linda cheerfully says_, "Well, I LOVE you Vincey-wincey! See you when you get home! We're having liver and onions for din-din, and for dessert, it's me and my WEAK BLADDER, you DICK!"_

She slams the phone in Vince's ear. Vince hangs up and his face is beet red with anger. He looks around the room, looking for something to throw. He picks up the remote and throws it through the TV screen, "Grrrrggh….GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I fucking HATE that…bitch!"

Looking at his now-destroyed big screen TV and suddenly realizing what he's done, he angrily gets his cellphone out and makes a phone call. "Hello, Wal-Mart? Yeah, this is Vincent Kennedy McMahon! And I need a new TV, NOW! So, if you're smart, you'll send one up immediately!"

* * *

><p>Well, ok then…let's join up with CM and Kofi, as they've eaten and are now approaching Oklahoma City…<p>

CM says, "Hey Kofi, let's get something to eat, dude."

Kofi nods, "Sure mon, 'dat sign back 'dere said that there's fast food up ahead at the next exit, here. Kofi takes the exit and the guys pull into a Sonic Drive-thru.

Kofi asks, "You know what you want, mon?"

CM strokes his chin, saying, "Hmm….yeah, I know."

Kofi pulls ahead to the speaker and a tired-sounding, but eerily familiar voice comes on the speaker…

"_Hello, thank you for choosing Sonic Drive-thru, may I tyke ya' orda'?"_

Cm and Kofi glance at each other due to the familiarity of the voice. Kofi whispers, "Mon, you recognize that voice?

CM replies, "Yeah, but honestly—it could be anyone—it's a British accent, and all."

CM orders, "Uh, yes, I'd like a double bacon cheeseburger…with cheese—"

The voice over the speaker cuts him off, _"—Sir, you JUST said you wanted a double bycon cheeseburger, no need to ask for cheese again."_

CM says, "Oh, right…ok then. Uh, I'd also like some onion rings and a medium Sprite."

"_Sorry sir, we don't serve onion rings at this location—we have tater tots or fries."_

CM furrows his brow and asks, "Wait—what do you mean you don't sell onion rings? I mean, every other location has them, why—"

The voice interrupts again, _"—Sir, look…'ull we 'ave are fries and tots, it's not difficult."_

CM turns to Kofi and says, "Wow, this guy's having a bad day, huh?"

Kofi nods and says, "Ha! Seems like that, mon."

The voice comes back on, _"So, would you like the fries or the tater tots? Rememba'—fries…tots."_

Cm rolls his eyes and says, "Ok, I…I guess I'll have the tater tots."

"_What size?"_

CM, starting to lose his patience, firmly replies, "I'll have a medium, smartass. And that'll be all…thanks."

"_Will that be 'ull?"_

CM glances at Kofi, who's snickering a little. CM replies, "Didn't you just hear me say that that'll be all today?"

"_Wait while I get your total."_

CM looks at the order screen and sees his order being keyed in and deleted, then keyed in again, and so on. He wonders what's going on and says into the speaker, "Uh…hello? Everything ok?"

There's no reply from the speaker. About 2 minutes pass and the voice comes back on, _"Uh ok…you total is 9.50. Pull around to the second window." _

CM turns to Kofi and says, "You know, people KILL me with that. If you don't like your job, QUIT! This was YOUR career choice, so don't be giving ME a hard time when I come into your establishment hungry! You know what I mean?"

Kofi nods, "Yes indeed, mon. "

So after a couple moments, they pull up to the window. The gentleman leans out to take their money, he says, _"Ok, that's 9.50, then."_

CM and Kofi look at who it is, they shout in unison, "DAVID HART SMITH!"

David rolls his eyes in embarrassment. Cm says, "Hey, should've KNOWN it was you—with that attitude and all!"

David leans out and says, _"LOOK…mate! I'm just trying to myke a living! My cable was shut off last week and I __**need**__ money. TNA told me that 'they weren't hiring'. I tried to drop my dad's nyme and those executives looked at one another as if they didn't even know who he bloody WAS! So excuse me if I seem a might bothered! Oh yeah, here's your food!"_

Kofi and CM look at each other and shrug after David _slams_ the drive thru window shut.

Cm starts eating as Kofi drives back onto the highway toward Oklahoma City.

* * *

><p>Let's stop here tonight. Will Vince and Linda's love life ever get "dried out"? Will Alberto FINALLY purchase a 'Hooked on Phonics' lesson rather than another Porsche? (Lord knows it'd do him some good.)<p>

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So join me next go-round—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	14. Worlds Collide and Bad Things Happen

Disclaimer: I don't own a DAMN thing!

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><p>.<p>

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Here we are again! Last we left off, we learned that Alberto has a reading issue, David Hart Smith works at a Sonic Drive-thru—and tends to get pissed off when people ask him for onion rings, and Vince? Well…what can I really say about Vince and Linda? Vince thought he got away, and linda called him back! However, we're going to zero in on JR and Stone Cold, as they've just hit Oklahoma City.

JR turns to Stone Cold, "Hey Steve, feel like a cold one?"

Stone Cold smiles and says, "Always! Where to?"

"Well, there's supposed to be some kind of bar and grille place—I think it's called 'The Friendly Tap'."

JR checks his Blackberry and says, "A-ha! Wow…I had no IDEA Ol' Tim White opened a place out here!"

Stone cold replies, "Hell son, you KNOW we need to stop by!"

They follow the next exit and pull into the parking lot. As they're parking, JR and Steve see a couple of guys literally flying out of the bar as if they're diving out of the way of a speeding car, or something.

JR points, "Steve, did you see THAT?"

Steve flashes an evil smirk and says, "Oh HELL yeah—I saw that! In fact, I think I'm getting' IN on this! You want any, JR?"

"No THANK you, Steve! If you just HAVE to get in the middle of this, be my guest."

The two make their way inside the restaurant, with Austin ducking a beer bottle as he goes through the doorway. JR sees that one guy is being held by his collar as another guy just repeatedly punches him in the face. Jr says, "Good God ALMIGHTY—he's getting' beat like a government mule!"

Steve smiles and runs over to the corner and starts in on the guy doing the hitting. Meanwhile, there are chairs, bottles, glasses, and other debris flying around as pretty much the entire bar is in an uproar. Amongst the flying objects, JR calmly takes a seat up at the bar and orders a whiskey sour. He bends down to scratch his leg, and just at the time he does that, a barstool goes flying over his head.

Meanwhile, Austin is holding onto the railing going around the bar counter and is stomping-a-mudhole in this one fellow. The guy is pretty much limp, as Austin gives him the two finger salute. Just at that moment, ANOTHER guy hits Austin from behind with a wooden plank. Austin no-sells it, sticks up both middle fingers, kicks the guy in the stomach and gives him one HELL of a stunner. The guy is rolling around on the floor, holding his chin.

Austin looks over to other side of the smoky bar and sees two guys REALLY kicking ass, they're both in t-shirts, jeans , and cowboy boots—sort of like the Dukes of Hazzard, but one's black and one's white. He sees the white guy literally THROW one guy sideways against the wall, effectively knocking down the dart board, and the black guy lifts another guy up and slams him down on the pinball machine. Austin squints and says to himself, "No fucking way…"

Simultaneously, at the bar, JR is still calmly enjoying his drink, while watching ESPN SportsCenter. That's when a fight ends up right next to him, where one guy got punched in the direction of JR. JR sips his drink and punches the guy back into the main action of the bar and calmly turns back around to keep watching TV.

Austin grabbed this guy in a plaid shirt and is punching his way over to the corner where the two guys are. However, they look as though they're finishing the "competition" off, so to say. Austin give the plaid-shirted guy one final punch, sending him through the remnants of a previously broken table. The two guys and Austin all look at one another, as well as two OTHER guys, one has blond hair, the other with dark hair. All five of them are staring at one another, looking as though they might start fighting amongst themselves.

Meanwhile, the fight is still raging on in the other parts of the bar, as there are broken tables, bottles, beer spilled EVERYWHERE, half the liquor from the bar is missing because of the one guy that was thrown behind the counter earlier. In the distance (finally), sirens can be heard…

Austin looks at the big white guy in the t-shirt and says, "Hehe…I should've KNOW I'd see YOU two here! How long has it been fellas? 8…9 years?, hahahaa! Bradshaw, Faarooq! How've ya' BEEN? Goodamn, boy!"

Faarooq and Bradshaw look at one another and Faarooq looks back at Austin and just says, "DAMN!"

Al three exchange high-fives and when they're done, they turn their attention to the two OTHER gentleman that have now approached them…

Bradshaw folds his arms and asks, "May I help you?"

The blond guy glances at the dark-haired guy and he says, "Uh look, me and my cousin, we didn't come here lookin' for a fight. We just came here to pick up our cousin, Daisy?"

Bradshaw smiles and asks, "So, you're cousins with ol' Daisy? Hahaha! So that makes you—"

Austin smirks and says, "Hey Bo…hey Luke."

The Dukes reply, "Hey Steve!"

Faarooq looks at both Duke boys and then back at Bradshaw and Austin, then back at the Dukes. He puts his hands on his hips, sighs, and just says, "DAMN!"

Steve says, "Faarooq, Bradshaw, these are the Duke boys. Dukes, this is the APA—Acolyte Protection Agency."

The Dukes shake hands with the APA and Bradshaw says to Bo, "Hey, I know that the cops are here and it's a mess, but kid I gotta' HAND it to ya'—the way you punched that one hombre through the pool table was fucking CLASSIC!"

Bo nods and says, "Thanks…thanks, man! He had it comin'—he made me spill ma' BEER!"

* * *

><p>With that, all 5 guys started laughing and began talking amongst themselves, of course, as the police were escorting other brawlers out of the bar.. We'll leave them get acquainted and see how Natalya and Sheamus are doing…<p>

"Ok Shame, looks like we're in Oklahoma City! FINALLY, I might add! Eww, it looks like it RAINED here when we were gone."

Sheamus responds, "Yeah, does indeed look that way, lass."

They travel up the main street a couple miles and notice a man thumbing for a ride. Natyalya squints and asks, "Hey, do you see who that IS?"

Sheamus says, "Yeah, ah-sure do, lass. How'd he wind up in this situation, though?"

Natalya shrugs and says, "Beats the hell outta' me! You wanna' pick him up?"

Sheamus thinks about it for a couple seconds, smiles, and says, "NAAAAAAAH! Hahaha!"

He speeds up and the man is getting frantic as they approach. Sheamus sees a puddle and runs through it, splashing mud all over the man. Natalya gasps, "I don't believe you DID that!"

Sheamus starts laughing and soon thereafter, son does Natalya. Sheamus says, "Fuck'm—if he ca't call my matches correctly, he DESERVES it! That's what his…his…stupid…butt GETS! Damn you, Michael Cole!"

Natalya shrugs as they move on ahead. Sheamus stops at a red light and notices a police officer separating two bums. Sheamus nudges Natalya, she looks at him then looks at the melee across the street. They don't hear the conversation, but they recognize the bums…

"HELL NO, OFFICER, I DID **NOT** GO AND STEAL HER DAMN CIGARETTES, **SHE'S **ALWAYS TAKING **MY** CIGARETTES!" That's when the male bum lunges toward the female, only to be stopped by the cop.

The cop says, "C'MON you TWO! You've been together for YEARS! There's no need for this!"

The female bum retorts, "I DON'T CARE—YOU OWE ME 5 BUCKS, REMEMBER?"

The male bum asks, "Now what the hell does THAT have to do with stealin' my DAMN CIGARETTES?"

The female bum just calmly says, "You know what? You're just as dumb-assed as your father is."

THAT comment REALLY gets the man jumping mad. Meanwhile, another cop car has just pulled up. The other cop gets out of his car and makes a bee-line toward the extremely angry male. The male bum is being cuffed and he's yelling, "I'M GONNA' FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU LOUSY BITCH! AAAAH-DAMMIT, I USED TO **BE **SOMEBODY! I WAS A 10-TIME TAG CHAMP, MISSY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT **YOU** WERE? YOU WERE A NOBODYYY, A NOBOD—"

"Careful, sir, duck down as you get in the car, please. Don't forget, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say—"

The belligerent bum interrupts, "YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW ALREADY—JUST SHIP MY ASS OUTTA' HERE!"

Just then, the light turns green. Sheamus is still looking at the police in action and soon hears a honk from behind, urging him to go forward. Sheamus sticks up his middle finger in the rear-view mirror as he pulls away, hearing a longer honk as the driver behind him turns off at the corner.

Natalya shakes her head, "Damn, that's sad."

Sheamus says, "Yeah, you know who they were?"

"No, who?"

"That was Billy Gunn and Ivory."

Natalya's eyes grow very big, "Whaaaat? NO WAY!"

Sheamus nods and says, "Way. T'is a shame, really. Heard he spent all his money on PCP. I heard that she's one of the PREMIERE crystal meth makers—they call Ivory the 'McGuyver' of meth labs."

"No shit? Really?"

"Oh, indeed lass. Word has it, she can make a crystal meth lab out of a tire and a string, dude—shit is unreal!"

* * *

><p>So we'll cut this right here for tonight. I'm tired of typing tonight and I need to get some sleep.<p>

.

.

But join me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	15. Old Folks' Driving & Body Odors

Disclaimer: Well ya' know somethin', brother—me, or ANY of my Hulkamaniacs don't own anything, DUDE!

* * *

><p>Yeah…so here we are again, last we left off, Stone Cold was in a barfight along with the Acolytes and Bo and Luke Duke from the Dukes of Hazzard. Sheamus and Natalya saw what had become of Billy Gunn and Ivory, so tonight, let's start off with Kofi and CM Punk, as they make their way through the main stretch of town…<p>

Kofi pounds the steering wheel in frustration, saying, "Oh come ON, mon! Why do they allow these old people to even drive past a certain age?"

Kofi's stuck behind a Lincoln Town car with the right turn signal on, doing 30 in a 45 mph zone.

CM Punk is laughing, shaking his head. He says, "Kofi, you know, someday YOU'RE going to be that age, and sure enough—someone's gonna' be behind YOU saying those exact words, I bet'cha!"

Kofi waves him off, "No WAY mon! Yeah, I'm going to be old someday, but I'd at LEAST have the common courtesy of pulling over and letting faster people pass through!"

CM shrugs and changes the subject. He turns to Kofi and laughs, saying, "Man, that was REALLY mean what you did to Michael Cole back there, hahaha!"

Kofi smiles, "Hey, what can me'say? Da' boy was out in de' middle of de' road!"

CM, laughing a little harder, says, "Haha! Are you KIDDIN' me? He was on the sidewalk and you STILL swerved toward him like you were going to hit him—don't deny that shit!"

Kofi laughs a little and says, "Eh now, mon…I wasn't gonna' hit him."

CM answers, "Well, If I were Cole, I woulda' had to get a new pair of pants after that one, dude."

Kofi turns his attention to the still slow-traveling vehicle ahead of him. He lays on his horn and says to Punk, "Mon…I wish Goldberg would've had a rocket launcher built into this 'ting! That way I could just blast these old folk and get going!"

CM rolls his eyes, "Kofi, come on—"

Kofi cuts him off, "No Fuck 'dat sheet! They're gonna' get dead soon anyway, mon. One foot in de' grave and de' udder on a banana peel, mon! I'd be doing 'dem a FAVOR!"

CM feigns like he's agreeing with him, "Kind of like a mercy killing, huh?"

Kofi nods and says, "EXACTLY! 'Dat's what me'sayin', mon!"

"Kofi?"

'Yes, mon?"

"Get your head outta' your ass."

"Eh…whatever, mon."

* * *

><p>We'll leave them go for the moment and join up with Alberto and Santino, who are also making their way through town…<p>

Santino says, "Heyyyy, when's the next rest areas?"

Alberto shrugs, "I no see any sign, senor. If ju' want, I could pull over."

Santino looks around and says, "Eh-yessss, that would be perfect!"

Alberto pulls the car over and he looks around to make sure the coast is clear. He says to Santino, "Be careful, we're still in the city. Cops may show up at any time!"

Santino nods and looks around as he jogs through the park and behind some tall bushes. He pulls his straps down from off of his shoulders, and he folds them down to just below his pelvis. He starts relieving himself and smiling, the gentle patter of pee hitting the soft dirt reminded him of a gentle stream in the middle of the woods, where deer drink.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh…that eh-felt GREAT! Ah-Santino Marella drain his lizard!"

Just as he was finishing up, a little girl suddenly comes around the shrubbery and sees Santino finishing up. She stands there screaming. Santino looks up, and with his dick still dangling out of his tights, meets eyes with this now-traumatized little girl and they both start screaming. Santino hurriedly puts his shoulder straps back up and tries to say, "WAIT LITTLE GIRL! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU—"

That's when she runs away, screaming for her mother.

Santino thinks and acts quickly. He runs toward Alberto's car, leaps in, and yells, "DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE—HURRY UP!"

Alberto, panicked a little, starts the car and screeches on down the road out of sight.

* * *

><p>Now, let's see…hmm…I know, we'll look in on Natalya and Sheamus, as they're now headed out of Oklahoma City…<p>

Sheamus asks, "Hey Nat, why is it that whenever I'm around that one chick—I forgot her name—but there's this one diva that always has a…smell to her."

Natalya nods and smirks a little, "Yeah, I know who you're talking about—it's Kaitlyn, isn't it?"

Sheamus says, "That's it-it's KAITLYN! So, what's with the smell?"

Natalya sighs and says, "Well, she has, like, REALLY atrocious foot odor."

Sheamus' jaw drops. Natalya nods and says, "Thaaaat's right! As pretty as she is, she has a wicked, wicked case of foot odor. What it comes from is that she has this terrible habit of wearing ALL of her shoes and boots without ANY kind of socks or hose on."

Sheamus nods and answers, "Aaahhhh…so THAT'S it, then? You know, I was _**trying**_ to put my finger on the odor, as it smelled like rancid butter mixed in with sweat and shame."

Natalya laughs, "Hahaha…yeah, me and the other girls think so, too! Anyway, EVEn when she wears shoes, you can TILL smell her feet. Ok, like, I remember at a show we did over in Hershey, PA, right? She came to the arena wearing tights with UGG-boots on. Well, you see, we worry when she WEARS shoes with a lot of padding and or, fur, or whatever because we know that it's just going to make her feet sweat all the more. And, of course, that night—sure enough—she had perfume on and when you got close to her, she smelled like a combination of Lancome and…foot odor—EW! Like, GROSS!"

Sheamus nods and asks, "Well, is THAT right, lass?"

"Yep…sad, but true! Oh! That's right—the other one you need to watch for is Maryse!"

"Whaaat? MARYSE?"

"Yeppers…Maaaaaryse. Ok, Maryse's issue is she has really bad gas—I'm talking 'chili night'-type gas, dude. For…REAL, okay? One night, when we were staying at the Hilton over in Vegas, she LITERALLY crop-dusted the ENTIRE length of the hallway on our floor. For the next 40-45 minutes that followed, no one could figure where that awful retched smell came from."

Sheamus shakes his head, as Nat continues, "Ok well, someone alerted the front desk-dude, the POLICE were even called because someone thought a methane bomb went off, or something. The hotel management then spent the following two HOURS on **our** floor, spraying Lysol, while the police evacuated the entire floor until all of the spraying was done and it smelled like a _**building**_ again, rather than lemon-scented ass!"

Sheamus just says, "Lass, you and these Divas—I SWEAR…"

* * *

><p>So we'll leave them be as they head back toward the small, sleepy town of Ardmore. I'll end this chapter here tonight, hope you enjoyed it!<p>

.

.

Don't forget to join me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	16. Gee, Why CAN'T we Eat at Arby's?

Disclaimer: I don't own nuthin'

* * *

><p>Welcome back fans and readers! Last we left off, Kofi and CM Punk were stuck driving behind an elderly person doing 30 in a 45, Natalya was telling Sheamus why Kaitlyn has a "smell", as Sheamus put it, and A little girl caught Santino peeing behind a bush. Now, we'll join up with Albert and Santino, as they make their way out of Oklahoma City…<p>

Santino is having issues. He's driving this time around, but he keeps thinking of Beth Phoenix—so lovely, so sweet, and a dick so big that, if she gave you the bronco-buster, that thing could knock a tooth out. However, he was still smitten with the Glamazon.

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves while he's driving. That's when they pass a billboard with an Arby's restaurant advertisement. Alberto turns and asks, "Hey Santino, ju' hungry, mang?"

Santino nods, "E-yesssss, a-Santino's very hungry. Let's go to the Arby's!"

They drive a few more miles and find an Arby's restaurant. Santino pulls into the parking lot, but he notices he has a bit of a problem. He says, "Eh, Alberto…could you please go get eh-the orders? I'll write down what I want, yes?"

Alberto frowns a little and replies, "No, why can't ju' just get 'jour OWN order, why do I have to do it, eh?"

Santino rolls his eyes and says, "Look man, I really, REALLY CAN'T get out right now—everyone will sees me!"

Alberto urges, "Aw c'mon ju' big baby. Those peoples aren't paying ju' ANY attention." Alberto jogs over to the door and goes in.

Santino looks down and sees his erection throbbing and he's trying DESPERATELY to think of something else. He thinks to himself, _"C'mon Santino, you IDIOTS, think of something UN-sexy, UN-sexy, un-sexy…"_

However, it didn't work. Of course, taking the drive thru NEVER even crossed his mind, so he looked at the people eating outside on the patio and he thought that if he made a dash toward the door, no one would notice his erection _(In TIGHTS, dude? Get REAL!)_. Santino carefully watches the crowd and gently opens his door. He looks at this one fat lady taking a sip of her drink before mercilessly diving back into that roast beef sandwich she was devouring. That's when he made his move!

He ran to the door, opened it and didn't see a woman coming out as he was going in and he ran RIGHT into her. His rock-hard dick poked her in the stomach and she let out a bit of a yelp. She looked down and her eyes flared in anger as she clearly took offense. Santino smiled a little and shrugged, but received a sharp left hook to the jaw. He fell down, boner and all, as the lady stepped over him and left the store.

Just then, Alberto was on his way out of the store. He stops by Santino and rolls his eyes, "Dios MIO! Quit messing around and get jour FOOD, we gotta' get outta' here! I'll be in the car!"

* * *

><p>We'll leave that sad scene and take up with JR and Stone Cold, as they've arrived in Ardmore, Oklahoma…<p>

Stone Cold is playing his guitar and he's singing, "OHHHHH, JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON'T CARE…JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON'T CARE…JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON'T CAAAAAAAAAARE! WHAT? CAUSE THE MASTER'S GONE AWAAAAAAY! WHAT! 'CAUSE THE MASTER'S GONE AWAAAAY! Hey, you should join me, JR!"

JR shakes his head, "Naw Steve, that's ok. Hey, uh, looks like we don't have too far to go! We'll be there in no time!"

Steve says, "Well, what'cha waitin' on? Let's git-r-DONE!"

Just then, the General Lee passes them and the ever-familiar horn can be heard as Steve raises his beer to the Duke boys as they pass by.

Steve smiles and says, "Damnit JR, that was the best fight I been in in a long damn TIME! If we had the time, I'd ask ya' to go lookin' for another one!"

"Yeah, I know you would, Steve."

Steve strums his guitar for a couple seconds when a thought suddenly crosses his mind. He asks JR, "Hey JR, you ever noticed how Shane and Stephanie look at each other sometimes?"

"Huh? Whadd'you mean?"

Steve leans over and says, "Well, for YEARS, I've noticed them kinda' makin' eyes at one another—or at least that's what I thought, anyway".

JR turns to Steve, mildly disgusted at the thought, and answers, "No WAY, Steve! They're brother and sister, for God's sake!"

Steve tilts his head to one side and says, "Yeah, I know they are, but, I HAVE seen them backstage from time-to-time—ok, I'd be approaching them and when I get close, I notice that they'd quickly and suddenly step away from each other. It-It's sort of like that deal where a man and a woman are sitting on opposite sides of a couch—you KNOW they like each other and it's very obvious that they're trying to play it off. I'm right, aren't I? I know I'm right."

JR nods and says, "Well, to BE FAIR—when you see a man and a woman on either side of a couch, you ARE inclined, more often than not, to believe that something's going on. But this thing with Shane and Steph—I don't know…I've never seen or suspected anything like…THAT between the two of 'em."

Steve shakes his head, "Boy, you really ARE out of the loop, aren't ya'? Hehe…this has been a years-old thing going on backstage, man! It's a sick thing to think about, yeah, but…a lot of the older wrestlers have different accounts on 'incidents' that they've paid witness to."

"Ok, gimme' some examples, then."

Steve strokes his chin and says, "Ok, Taker told me that one time, he THOUGHT he saw Steph and Shane kissing each other on the lips backstage a few years back—now, to be fair—I realize that a lot of families greet each other with a kiss on the lips, and that's all fine and dandy, but in THIS case, you have to wonder—have you EVER seen a McMahon—ANY McMahon—kiss another family member on the lips?"

"Well…no, I haven't, frankly. But, like you said, that was a few years ago and Taker only THOUGHT he saw—"

Steve holds up his hands, saying, "Ok, ok…how 'bout THIS—"

Stone Cold pulls out his I-Phone and brings up Facebook. He finds Shawn Michaels' profile page and searches the private pictures—as he's friends with HBK on Facebook, lol.

Stone Cold mutters to himself, "Hmm…I know it's around here some—AH-HA! HERE it is!"

He shows JR a picture the HBK secretly took of Shane GOOSING Stephanie. JR looks at the picture in disbelief and then he looks at Stone cold, who's smirking, and then he looks at the picture again and says, "Well I don't believe THIS!"

Stone Cold nods and says, "Now, how do you explain THAT one?"

JR shrugs and says, "Well, nonetheless, it's none of MY business—I'm not gonna' say NOTHIN'! Lord knows I don't want to stir up ANYTHING with the McMahons!"

Stone Cold looks at the picture once again and smiles devilishly as they ride on.

* * *

><p>Now, how about we join up with CM Punk and Kofi, who have apparently found their way from behind that slow car from earlier…<p>

"Uh…Dude?"

"What's up, mon?"

"I can STILL smell the garlic."

Frustrated that Punk won't stop asking about the garlic smell, he pulls the car over and just folds his arms, looking forward with a death-glare.

Punk asks, "Dude, what are you doing?"

"Me not movin' 'dis car until you stop askin' me 'bout 'de garlic!"

CM sighs and says, "Ok, ok already—I'll stop askin'-just get moving, I don't wanna' lose!"

Kofi raises an eyebrow and CM says, "I PROMISE…now can we get going?"

Kofi Turns the ignition and the car won't turn over. Kofi keeps trying to start it up, but to no avail. He swallows HARD as CM Punk, wide-eyed, just stares at him for a couple moments before saying, "NOW look what you did! The damn CAR won't start!"

Kofi climbs down out of his "seat" on the menorah-car and opens the "hood"—which is a little door in the front of the "car". Kofi puts his hands on his hips, sighs, and says to himself, "…Oh sheet, 'dis is bad, mon."

I'll stop it there for tonight. I just hope CM and Kofi can get out of this one ok.

* * *

><p>.<p>

To find out, just tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!"


	17. Back to the Future?

Disclaimer: I don't own a GOT-damned thing!

* * *

><p>Heeeeey there! Welcome back, people! Yes, here we are once again! Last we left off, Santino had trouble getting out of his car to get something to eat, JR and Austin discussed a deep McMahon family secret, and Kofi was having car problems. However, today, we're gonna' start with Natalya and Sheamus, as they've just passed through the small town of Ardmore, Oklahoma.<p>

"Hey Shame, you know, looking through this cute li'l town—I've often thought it'd be nice to retire in a small town just like this one."

"Yeah, is that so, lass?"

Natalya looks over at the mountains in the distance and answers, "Yeah, I mean towns like these, in my opinion, are TRUE Americana. I mean, think about it—it's sooooo cute the way they're typically set up, too. It's like, they have their own hardware store, one, MAYBE two grocery stores, a local gas station and convenience store, A bank, hahaha…and the residents usually know each other personally!"

Sheamus nods and says, "Y'know, there are villages like that in Ireland. In fact, that's where I think I'd like to retire, someday."

Natalya nods and says, "See? You know where I'm coming from. But, I do think that this town got ruined because of that Wal-Mart we passed back there—it's gonna' put all the mom-and-pop businesses OUT of business. I mean, LOOK at this—this town EVEN has a Burger King! It's the only fast food joint, save for the Mickey D's inside that Wal-Mart back there."

Sheamus, having found out about that particular Wal-Mart—just like CM punk earlier-says, "Eh…Nat?"

"What's up?"

"Lass, I don't think you have to worry about THAT particular Wal-Mart putting the other shops out of business."

Natalya furrows her brow and asks, "Well, why not?"

"Well darlin', they ONLY sell TWO bloody items! They ONLY sell Barbecue Sauce and Cowboy hats! That's IT! And, for SOME unexplainable reason, they're ALWAYS crowded! And, in true Wal-Mart tradition, they have thousands of people in the store, a total of 30 checkout lanes…and only two lanes actually open."

Natalya tilts her head slightly and asks, "How'd you find that out?"

Sheamus answers, "Well, I've been through these parts a few times before, actually—in my younger years."

"Yeah? Why were you around here?"

Sheamus scratches his head and says, "Well, I was actually here because I was a hot football prospect and Oklahoma University wanted me. I kept having to commute to the college and, since this is the most direct way to Oklahoma City, I used to take this route."

"Ah…I see now. Hmm…Interesting."

* * *

><p>We'll let those two be for a bit and now we'll join up with Kofi and CM Punk, as Kofi is on his cellphone talking to Goldberg…<p>

"…yes, yes, I KNOW, mon."

"I already tried that, it did n'work, mon."

"Hmm…ok…ok…ah!

"Ok…ok…ok…got'cha, got'cha. Ohhhh…so 'DAT'S why—"

"No problem, mon—me 'git right on it!"

Kofi presses the "end" button and hangs up. CM asks, "Well…what's up?"

Kofi says, "Goldberg told me that it likely needs another flux capacitor."

"A what? A…flux capacitor? How did he know that?"

He said that he's had this car since the 90's. He said that, one day he was walking along the road and found this DeLorian car. Well, he said that he got in, hotwired it and drove down the stretch of highway at 55mph. He said that, suddenly, the DeLorian began to shake and quake. Next thing he knew, he was surrounded by thin bright streaks of light. He said that after that, he found himself in the year 1955 in front of a synagogue. And PARKED in front of the synagogue was this…menorah-car.

CM folds his arms, nodding, "Ok, continue…"

"Well 'dere was 'dis guy named Biff who tried to push Goldberg around . Goldberg said that he speared his ass through a plate glass window of a nearby Fur Coat retailer. He said that he took out the flux capacitor from the DeLorean and put it into the menorah so that he could get home. He stole the menorah and has had it ever since. As for the DeLorean? As far as I know, IT'S still in 1955, somewhere."

CM lets this register for a bit and then asks, "Ok, so…this thing can fly in time?"

"TECHNICALLY, yes, mon, but me don't know how to activate 'dat feature! What Goldberg just told me is 'dat, in order to bypass the need for a flux capacitor, me need to reprogram the car and adjust 'de wiring, mon."

CM raises an eyebrow and asks, "Uh…you know how to do that?"

Kofi smiles and says, "Of COURSE, mon, jus' watch and LEARN!" So Kofi kneels down and starts his work on the car as CM watches with interest.

* * *

><p>As Kofi fixes the "car", we'll just ride along with JR and Stone Cold, as they're about halfway between Ardmore and Wichita, KS and are engaged in a conversation…<p>

"…and, from the looks of things, it looks like he's the new 'Shane Helms'!"

Steve shakes his head, "Damn son, a LOT has changed since I've been there last. I mean, the way it WAS was that li'l green bastard Hurricane used to run around trying to peep in the women's locker room. So, _**now**_ you're tellin' me it's that li'l sawed-off runt HORNSWOGGLE?"

JR nods and shakes his head, "It's a damn shame, too, Steve. That li'l devil runs around the arena with his right hand down his pants. SOMETIMES he runs around backstage with NO pants on! He'll be jerking off and chasing the divas as he's doin' it! The poor girls want to avoid any…ahem…'spray'—the li'l punk even has the nerve to run around going 'ding-ding-ding-ding', as if his dick's like a-a FIRE engine hose. I remember Vince was yelling at him for running all over the backstage area without any pants on. That fast li'l fucker started running from Vince and he couldn't CATCH the slippery bastard. Vince slipped and hit his knee on a metal crate of some sort. Hornswoggle didn't even bother to check to see if Vince was ok, as he _**was**_ writhing in pain, holding his knee-and Hornswoggle ran around the corner down a corridor half-naked!"

Steve laughs, "Hehehe…li'l bastard. Buuut, I do remember us telling Vince time and again not to run in dress shoes, but…I gotta' say, going back to Hurricane-Hurricane never outright chased the women, but he WAS creative. I have to give the sum'bitch credit for THAT!"

JR agrees, "Yeah he WAS creative. In fact, were you with us that one time when we went to this one show in San Diego? I think it was in '06, but he got REAL creative there! He _actually_ somehow managed to INSTALL a camera system off of the existing wireless network!"

Steve smiles and says, "Well, no shit?"

JR continues, "Well, wouldn't you know that he had it set up to videotape the divas changing and showering. He could switch views simply by pressing a particular key on his keyboard. He set up shop in the basement of the building, 'ol rascal. Remember? The boys used to call him the 'McGuyver of voyeurism'."

Steve sits up a little and says, "Damn…I DO remember that. Wow! Seems a long time since then. Oh, remember he used to sell videos of the Divas using the bathroom? Yeah, hahahaha…I remember that Trish was his favorite!"

JR nods, saying, "Yeah, I remember! In fact, remember that one DVD he made? It was like 40 minutes long and it was his so-called 'best-seller'. You remember it—it was an overhead shot of Trish taking a MONSTER shit! That 40 minutes was no waste of time, either! **That** young lady **literally** sat on that toilet for 40 straight minutes! I mean, it was absurd, you could hear her whimpering, straining, TRYING to get that poop out. He taped it after we went to that one Mexican restaurant and Trish had like 3 SERVINGS of refried beans!"

Stone Cold points at JR as if to say, _"Hey I remember that!"_

Steve asks, "Hey yeah, I think I still HAVE my copy! Eh, eh JR—I think that was that one where she cuts this extremely loud fart and actually _questions_ what it was that she ate! I gotta' admit, though—THAT part had me laughing my ASS off!"

JR laughs a little to himself and says, "Yep, thoooose were the days."

* * *

><p>We'll leave them for now and we'll join up with Santino and Alberto, who have also just passed through Ardmore…<p>

Alberto smiles and says, "Santino, my friend! We're almost there! Just 100 miles to go!"

Santino rubs his hands together and says, "E-yessssss. Just 100 of the to go miles."

Alberto cheerfully asks, "Hey Santino, what would ju' do on ju' day as GM?"

Santino replies, "Easyyyyyy…I'd make everyone line up in the aisle an make them fall victim to eh-the venom of my Cobra! Santino can see it now—men and women alike, ALL falling victim to eh-the STING of my cobra!"

Alberto smirks, "Ju' CRAZY, man! ME? I'd seemply book a one on 9 bedroom session with all of the Divas-even that one with the bad foot odor."

"You mean, eh-the Kaitlyn?"

"'Jes, absolutely! She may stink, but she's lovely! But, there IS one thing that worries me about her…"

Santino looks confused and he asks, "What's that?"

"Well…a little while back, Evan Bourne told me that, uh…that when ju' go down on her, it's a new KIND of stink, my friend! 'Jeah, he say that-that her kitty-it smell like someone's foot is actually…inside of it."

Santino breaks out in laughter, saying, "Hahahaha…better be the carefuls!"

Alberto laughs back, "HA! I'm not sleeping with that chick—hell no! I no want my deek smelling of…of CHEESE! No, noooo…Alberto want a bed in the middle of the reeng, with white cotton and satin sheets! He'll book all the divas to line up to make love with Alberto in that very reeng, my friend!"

Santino nods and Alberto says, matter-of-factly, "…aaaaaaand I'll book myself to become champ..ehehe…heh."

* * *

><p>Looks like our superstars are almost home free!<p>

.

.

Join me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	18. Traffic, Traffic, Traffic Everywhere!

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, dude. I'm just trying to write a story.

* * *

><p>Welcome back, folks! Welcome back! It looks like we're into the home stretch. Our superstars are nearing Wichita and are on their way to Vince's penthouse condo. Let's just say we join Punk and Kofi, as Kofi has apparently fixed the car…<p>

Kofi asks, "Hey mon, do you 'tink we're ahead or behind?"

CM replies, "Honestly? I think we're behind everyone—I mean, we DID just have the li'l bit of car trouble."

Kofi nods and passes a sign that reads "_Wichita 100mi._"

CM thinks for a bit and finally asks, "You know what?"

"What is it, mon?"

I've been meaning to ask you—How on Earth do YOU know Goldberg?"

Kofi smiles wide and laughs a little. He explains, "Well, here's the story, mon—He's actually my half-cousin."

CM furrows his brow, asking, "Huh? What's a 'half-cousin'?"

Kofi says, "Alright mon—my half grandmom married my half granddad years and years back. 'Dey came over here to America from Jamaica. 'Den 'dey fucked and had keeds…do you follow so far, mon?"

CM nods and Kofi continues…

Ok, well 'doze keeds 'dey had, one was my mama—and she had a seester I called 'half-mama'."

"Um…'half-mama'?"

Exactly mon—half-mama—so, 'dere were 9 of 'dem—each my half uncles and half-aunts. Ok, well, 'de 'ting IS, 'dat my half–aunt met Goldberg at a grocery store. It was love at first site, mon! So, some months pass, and we're having a cookout, celebrating my half-sister's half-birthday. You should've heard us sing to her, 'happy half-birthday to you, happy half-birthday to you, happy half-BIRTHday,, my half sister—HAAAAAPPY BIIIIIRTHDAY TOOOO YOUUUUUU, MON!"

CM comments, "You have a straaaange family, dude. But, go ahead."

Kofi says, "Ok, now me was AT 'dat party, and me started talkin' to 'da man, Goldberg. Well, he introduced me to his cousin—she's a lovely lady, mon. Her name is 'Cousinberg'."

"Wha? COUSINBERG? Seriously?"

"'Dat's riiiight, mon. She's not named like any of his brothers or seesters. Goldberg has 8 brothers and one seester. His brothers are Greenberg, Blueberg, Silverburg, Redburg, Yellowburg, Brownburg, Orangeburg, Periwinkleburg, and… Fred. His seester's name was Isabellaburg.

CM holds his hands up and asks, "Wait, wait, wai…'FRED'? What gives?"

Kofi shrugs and replies, "You got me, mon. I tried asking Goldberg that question and he threatened to spear me through the picnic table. So anyway, mon, me and Goldberg were talking and he introduced me to his cousin—Cousinberg. Well, we heet it off IMMEDIATELY! When she went off to get some punch, Goldberg pulled me aside an' warned me that she could 'nag the PAINT off the walls, be careful.' Mon, she has yet to nag me about any'ting and we've be togedder for 6 months now!"

CM nods and says, "Wow, so you met Goldberg because he's dating your half-aunt, and because of that relationship, Goldberg was at one of your family's birthday bashes and that's how you met HIS cousin, who is now YOUR girlfriend?"

"Exactly, mon!"

"Wow…that was pretty half-interesting."

Kofi shoots Punk a low-brow expression and drives on.

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><p>Now we'll join up with Natalya and Sheamus as they appear to be caught in traffic along the highway…<p>

Sheamus asks, "What the bloody hell? Where'd all this traffic come from all of a sudden?"

Natalya replies, "Hm…I dunno. Maybe there's an accident, or something?"

Sheamus selfishly replies, "Well if there Is an accident, SOMEONE had better be hurt or killed—We're being held up, here!"

Natalya playfully slaps Sheamus on the arm and says, "Stop that! Someone could actually BE hurt up there."

_About 20 minutes pass and the traffic has barely moved. _

Sheamus repeatedly bumps his head against the steering wheel in frustration. Natalya thinks for a moment to come up with something to calm Sheamus down a bit. She remembers that she had made some trail mix the night previous and she remembers that she had a bag of it in her purse. She quickly grabs her purse and forages through it. After a moment, she pulls out her bag of trail mix.

She shakes it up and says, "Hey Shame, want some trail mix?"

Sheamus takes some and says, "Wow, this is good."

Natalya proudly says, "Thanks, I used my secret ingredient."

"Oh yeah, lass? What is it?"

But before Natalya could answer, a mechanical bull-car pulls up behind them.

Natalya sees this and says, "Shit!"

Sheamus, still oblivious to the fact that a competitor is DIRECTLY behind him, asks, "Wait-you put shit in the trailmix!"

Natalya exclaims, "I KNEW we shouldn't have made that last rest stop!"

Sheamus shakes his head, STILL not realizing, "What kind of sick son of a bitch would put shit in trailmix!"

Natalya yells, "Just shut up about the trailmix for a minute!"

Sheamus happens to look in his rear view mirror and sees JR's vehicle RIGHT behind him. He says, "Wow, where the HELL did HE come from?"

Natalya says, "See? That's what I was trying to tell you! But you kept talking about trail mix!"

Sheamus takes another handful of trailmix and says, "This should be a crime—I mean, you can't have people running around putting shit in trialmix all willy-nilly!

Natalya impatiently closes her eyes, saying, "Sheamus, I swear to God, you're about 2 seconds away from getting your very own paragraph in Friday's injury report!"

Sheamus replies, "I mean, at least call it what it is, shitmix. But don't try and pass off your shitmix to poor unsuspecting people under the guise that it's really trailmix!

Natalya rolls her eyes, shaking her head slowly. A couple minutes pass and Sheamus asks, "That shit-laden trailmix made me thirsty, do we have any sodas left?"

Natalya sighs and says, "No, we just have water-so here."

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>Ok we'll let those two ponder when this traffic jam's going to clear up. We'll rejoin Alberto and Santino, who have taken a back road to try and get to Wichita…<p>

Santino looks around at the countryside as they ride through. He's a little worried, so he asks, "Hey Alberto, I have seen no signs for the Wichita. Are you sure we are going a-the right way?"

Alberto nods and says, "Of COURSE—my sombrero car has GPS! I know we're getting closer, just be patient, my friend."

Santino sighs and sees something in the near distance. He points, "Hey, look at thaaaaat, up ahead, yesssss?"

He points to a cattle crossing. Alberto starts slowing his car down and mutters, "…damnit!"

Alberto says aloud, "Hey Santino, only pipty miles to go, senor!"

Santino asks, "Um…how many you say?"

"Pipty."

"Um, what's 'pipty?'"

Alberto, growing frustrated, points to the GPS screen, "Look, you eediot! PIPTY!"

"Ohhhhh, you mean 'FIFTY'?"

"Jes, jes—I mean pipty!"

* * *

><p>As they banter back and forth, we'll join up with JR and Stone Cold back at the traffic jam…<p>

Stone Cold says, "Looks like the traffic is finally movin'"

JR, inching his car forward, replies, "Yep, looks that way. Hey Steve, look at those two sapsuckers up ahead of us."

Austin smirks and says, "That looks like Sheamus' tanning bed-car…serves him right, too—his white ass NEEDS a tan."

JR agrees, "Yeah, I HAVE always said that he has the breast-meat complexion going on with his skin."

Steve looks over at the steering 'horns' and suggests, "Hey JR, let's ram 'em a little?"

JR says, "No, Steve, I don't wanna' start anything, let's just be patient."

"Aw c'mon, JR! Just bump 'em a little—you know, get their attention a bit?"

"No Steve, I mean, the line's finally starting to move."

Steve then says, "Ah fuck it!" and gently steps on the accelerator. The Bull-car then nudges the tanning booth car. Sheamus and Natalya both feel a bump as their bodies lungs forward ever so slightly.

Natalya turns to Sheamus and says, "Shame, I think we just go rammed."

Sheamus turns around and shakes his fist at JR. JR points to Stone Cold, who's smirking and pointing to JR.

JR says, "Steve, quit that!"

Steve nods and pretends like he's stretching. He stealthily slides his foot onto the accelerator and rams Sheamus' car a little harder this time. Sheamus slaps his steering wheel and yells back, "DO THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL SKIN YOUR ARSES!"

Stone Cold's looking back at Sheamus laughing as Natalya sticks her middle finger up.

JR pleads, "Steve, PLEASE!"

Steve pulls a beer from his inside pocket, cracks it open, and downs it in one gulp. The traffic's really starting to spread out now. Steve smiles and glances over at JR. Jr sighs and just gestures toward the accelerator and Steve steps on it a lot harder this time. The bull-car rams the Tanning bed-car hard enough to pop the trunk on the tanning bed!

Steve yells, "C'mon JR—DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE! HAHAHAHAAAAA!"

The bull-car screeches as JR puts the petal to the metal and zooms off. As they pass Sheamus and Natalya, Sheamus quickly leaps out of his car yelling, "YOU SORRY SONS OF BITHCES! WE'RE GONNA' GET THE BOTH OF YOU!"

Natalya yells, "YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!"

Stone Cold throws his empty beer can at Sheamus-and barely misses him-as he and JR zoom off.

JR turns to Austin and asks, "There…FEEL better, now?"

"Absolutely. In fact, if we rammed that sorry sum'bitch three times and made his trunk pop open like a can of sardines, gimme' a HELL YEAH!"

JR sighs and mutters, "Hell…yeah."

Stone Cold just laughs maniacally as the "car" just gallops/zooms away.

The traffic is clearing out, the cattle are almost done crossing the country road where Santino and Alberto seem to be held up, and Sheamus has closed his trunk and is now back on the highway.

* * *

><p>.<p>

So join me next time, for the conclusion of this…story, here. That's right—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!

_**A/N-I'm so damn glad I was able to keep this under 20 chapters! HA!**_


	19. Crossing the Finish Line

Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever, owned shit.

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><p>Alright, here it is, fans! It's the grand finale, the last stop, the final chapter in this…saga. We'll kick this off with our Superstars, who have all just entered central city Wichita…<p>

Alberto sees Vince's condo just over the bridge, as it's the tallest building on the skyline. He says, "Hahaaaa…Santino, I can SMELL the victory!"

Santino smiles wide and says, "E-yessss…Santino Marella—WWE GM!"

They high-five as they make their way toward the building. Meanwhile, coming across another roadway, we have Natalya and Sheamus, with Kofi and CM punk hot on their trail…

Natalya looks back at Kofi and CM and asks, "Shame, can't this thing go any faster?"

Sheamus answers, "I got the pedal to the metal, lass! She won't go any faster!"

CM and Kofi are staring ahead intently at Natalya and Sheamus' "car", trying to pass them as, Sheamus has blocked them every time they've tried to pass so far.

Kofi pounds his steering "wheel" in frustration, "Damn, what—was Sheamus a NASCAR driver at one time, or some'ting? It's hard as HELL to PASS heem, mon!"

It's pretty much like this—Sheamus is pretty much drag racing Kofi down the main street of the city. Now, as that's going on, We have Stone Cold and good ol' JR—LEADING this thing, apparently…

* * *

><p>JR points, "Hey Steve, that there's the building! Let's move!"<p>

Steve looks in his rear view mirror and doesn't see any of the other competitors. Steve smirks and starts to pull into a parking space when SUDDENLY, OUT OF SEEMINGLY NOWHERE, Alberto and Santino screech into the parking space.

Santino's laughing loudly as Steve is yelling out from the passenger side of JR's "car", "HEY YOU DUMB SON-OF-A-BITCH! MOVE THE DAMN CAR, OR THERE'S GONNA' BE A PROBLEM!"

Alberto and Santino both get out of the car and make a break for the building. Steve sees this and he and JR grab the magazine and the beer and follow them and try to keep them from entering the building…

"Agh! Get out of my way!"

"No, you get out, urrrgh, of MINE!"

* * *

><p>In the meantime, the other four contestants have just screeched to a halt on the parking lot, effectively blocking the entire entranceway to the lot. They all get out of their respective cars and they all bum-rush the front doors. The automatic doors are just opening and closing as these 8 ADULTS are up at the door, fighting and arguing amongst themselves. After a couple moments, the fight spreads into the building proper. The people in the lobby are all looking at these 8 superstars behaving so carelessly and greedily.<p>

Sheamus yells, "Nat, hurry on upstairs—the elevator is open! AAAAGH!"

Sheamus was tripped up by Stone Cold. Stone Cold runs over to chase Natalya, but the door closes in his face. Stone cold presses the button for the elevator adjacent to Natalya's. The elevator comes and the rest of the riff-raff all load onto that one.

Meanwhile, Natalya has just made it up to the penthouse floor. She clears her throat and starts to knock on MR. McMahon's door, but before she knocks, she realizes that she only has the porn. She mutters to herself, "…damn, Sheamus still has the fucking BEER, Oooooh!"

Just then, the other elevator bell goes off and the doors open. The superstars all flood out into the hallway, making a bunch of noise, arguing loudly amongst each other…

Kofi yells, "HEY MON, C'mon! Lemme' through!"

Meanwhile, CM punk does a snap suplex on Natalya. Sheamus yells, "Hey lad—she did nothin' t'you!"

CM gets up smiling and raising his bottle of Ouzo in the air proudly. Sheamus kicks him in the stomach—HARD. CM clutches his abdomen and goes down slowly. Stone Cold spins Sheamus around and tries to stun him, but Sheamus reverses it and shoves Stone Cold into a wall, face-first.

Meanwhile Alberto is struggling with Kofi and receives a high knee for his troubles. Kofi stands over him laughing. Santino contorts his right arm into the cobra and goes for Kofi, but Kofi ducks and gives him the Trouble in Paradise.

At that moment, Natalya recovers and low-blows Kofi. Kofi's eyes cross as he goes down, writhing in pain. Natalya crawls over to Vince's door and knocks three times, while still selling that snap suplex. After a couple moments, Vince opens his door. And, with his zipper _already_ undone, he asks, "Well, do you have it?"

Natalya says, "Yes, Mr. McMahon, I have your porn. The Ouzo is around here somewhere, I think Sheamus—"

Vince interrupts, "No…no, this doesn't happen, young lady. I'm Vince McMahon, dammt! AND I DON'T TOLERATE—"

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway can be heard, "Mr. McMahon, I have your Ouzo—right here!"

Vince immediately says, "NO JR, I want each of you to get the other item from your OWN partners! I don't FEEL like compromising—I'm thirsty and I'm horny, damnit!"

JR and Natalya scramble to get the other items from their partners, who are just recovering outside in the hallway. While this is happening, a mysterious figure comes from out of NOWHERE and hits EVERYONE with a baseball bat. This person snatches a bottle of Ouzo and a magazine and stands at Vince's doorway. Vince smiles and says, "Hey there! I'm certainly surprised to see you! Go wake up your partner and get him in here. Vince goes over to the doorway as the individual gets his…partner. Vince calls out to the other stars, "I have my winners! I'd like to thank the rest of you for playing along, also. Bye now."

.

* * *

><p>Vince closes the door behind the two winners as they enter into his penthouse. He lays out the plans for Raw and for Smackdown. He says, "Ok, JR…you'll have RAW and…Michael Cole, you'll have Smackdown! Have fun, gents!"<p>

(Look, I'm just going to be brief about BOTH shows, ok? This is going to be VERY fucked-up, lol…)

On RAW, JR and Vince have a drinking session before the show and JR winds up booking a Heavyweight title match between Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton…and an all-of-a-sudden-returning MOLLY HOLLY! Molly's dressed in her old black-and-white outfit, but she has Hulk Hogan's size 15 wrestling boots on!

Randy Orton hits the RKO on Daniel Bryan, he then hits it on Molly, who immediately no-sells the RKO and starts "Hulking up". He hits her again, and she keeps walking around the ring, vigorously shaking her fists. He hits her a third time, and she points at him. He goes to hit her again and she blocks it and fires back with two punches of her own. She swings him to the ropes and hits the big boot on him. Then she swings to the rope and hits the atomic leg drop for the one, two, three! She gets up and rips her shirt off—Molly-mania is born and RAW's ratings have never been higher!

On SmackDown, Michael Cole brings his PC from home so that it can dictate messages. His PC crashes and he has to make the matches himself-the audience laughs. He books himself in a fatal four-way against Drew McIntyre, David Otunga, and Mason Ryan in the first ever "I Completely Suck" match.

The highlight of the match was when Drew McIntyre military-pressed Otunga, and Otunga stood up on McIntyre's hands and military-pressed Mason Ryan and they all slammed each other. While this was happening, Stephanie McMahon comes running down the aisle, eating out of a feed bag and carrying a garbage can, for some reason. Michael Cole decides to eat out of the garbage can—just because he sucks THAT badly.

.

.

The End.

Thanks for joining me on this…journey once again.

.

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><p><em>AN-You know, I've been toying around with two long-overdue "Grapefruits" stories—one of them being an 'Old-School' adventure, and the other, being an INTERNATIONAL adventure. Let me know what you think about that—either through review or PM. _

**But, in the meantime, please, take time to review my story, I'd greatly appreciate it.**


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